Always Complicated

Chapter 1

"You get back here this minute, Evie!"

I could hear Jamal's voice in the distance under my heavy, panting breaths. I shouldn't even bother looking back, but a part of me longed to sneak one last look at him, at the man of my dreams who unexpectedly turned into a nightmare. As my feet rapidly hit the hard pavement under the hot, California sun, I wondered where everything went so wrong. I mean, it was Jamal. My tall, ruggedly handsome, dark-haired knight in shining armor. When we met, he had just turned 20, and I was barely 18, so everyone, including me mind you, automatically assumed he was a play-boy who would eventually break my heart. I vowed to stay away from him and his deceptively smooth words. He was determined to win me over, to say the least. He tried everything stereotypically possible. Roses, chocolates, jewelry, etc. The problem? I was in the very few minorities of people who hated flowers (what am I, a goat?), chocolates (that after taste, yuck!), and jewelry (it just feels so constricting and uncomfortable. I mean, why would anyone want to jam a metal rod in any part of your body?). So, you see? There was no way I was falling for his cliché lines and corny gifts. That was until he figured out my one weakness, my Achilles heel: he let down his guard with me. He trusted me with his most sacred and cherished feelings, and he somehow got me to do the same. Out of nowhere, I found myself suddenly hooked on this guy I vowed to stay away from. Looking back, I really should have gone with my first instincts.

Over the course of my 18 short years on this beautiful behemoth we call Earth, I've acquired a skill I've aptly coined "self-dating." I've learned to discuss with my inner voices about my characteristics and quirks. Insane? No, definitely not. Odd? Maybe just a smidgen. One thing I've learned is that I have a pretty hard time letting down my guard enough to fully trust another person. Before chalking it up to me being "difficult,' understand that it's not exactly unjustified, but that's not something I'm willing to get into. It was like I didn't know how to be unguarded and vulnerable with anyone else. Until Jamal came along and bulldozed his way into my life. 

My relationship with Jamal was in no way perfect. It felt like we were in a never-ending carousel, a stomach-churning see-saw, but I loved every second of it. Even when we argued, even when we fought, even when we snapped at each other, I didn't want to get off. The deep timber of his voice that sent butterflies on a revolutionary war in my stomach every time he spoke, his beautiful chocolate skin that somehow gets the sun to pay homage to it every time we were out, and his gorgeous dark-brown eyes that had a striking resemblance to a star specked night sky all seemed to beckon me to dive head first into him, into us. I couldn't breathe or think when I was with him. I didn't even want to. Why? It was absolutely blissful. We were euphoric.  Needless to say, I loved every part of my 5'8 partner in crime. Not only that, but I also trusted him.

Over the past couple of months however, I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells around him. He became distant, erratic, and every little thing seemed to set him off. Like the loved-up idiot I was, I kept looking back on our journey together and reassured myself that he was just in one of those moods by constantly reciting "It'll eventually pass," like a mantra. I wish I had someone grab me by the shoulders and vigorously shake the naivety out of me. But when has anything ever gone the way you wanted it to?