Finding My Happiness

Forevers after Forevers

November 3 2015

I remember it like it was only yesterday, but it was about a year ago. About this time of year, I recall lying on my bed. The back of my head was encased by a white pillow, my body under a heavy blanket that seemed to weigh pounds. They were both comfortably soft, but that night made me uncomfortably rested.

From the exterior, I must have looked at peace, or happy, even. And that is what you would first assume had you not been able to travel past my skin and into my brain that contained my thoughts. On the inside, I was both sobbing and screaming violently, thrashing around in the mind that i was unable to escape - my own.

That day, like all other days, was a constant battle against myself. Cliché, I realize. My external nose took a deep steady breath as the internal one struggled for clean oxygen. My head had turned sluggishly toward the bedside clock i owned - 1:00 a.m. My movements seemed no longer my own but my body's, which i no longer had any control over.

It was 1:00 a.m. and I was exhausted, both physically and mentally. Though I knew i wouldn't go to sleep. The night loved me too much to let me go. I knew i would end up being tossed around my my thoughts anyway, so it didn't matter if I tried or not. Though, there i rested, calmly.

In the next few moments, I had found myself walking lethargically to the small window across my twin bed. My feet shuffled across the scratchy carpet as my limbs hung limply on either side of my body. My window slid open by my own hands and my own legs slipped out of the window. As I sat on the thin window sill, my mind was elsewhere and I felt like i wasn't present in that period of time. I was only a body proceeding to do bodily things with a mind that tortured it's material.

I had sat there for hours and hours time in my mind; The weights in my chest only made the time drag on longer, despite how used to it i was. Though it had only been maybe a minute as my eyes glanced back at my bedside clock. Time seemed such like a meaningless thing when you carried such burdens.

When a minute feels like a day and a day feels like forever, You are only living a series of Forevers and Forevers. It never really ends.