Finding My Happiness

Reflection

November 3 2015

I remember looking down from my second story bedroom and mentally measuring the distance from my window to the ground. One wrong move and I could fall out from a perilous height. I had been swinging my legs gently as i sat on the sill and only swung them harder as that thought flooded my thoughts. I never consciously realized why I had done that until now. My desire to die was inevitable.

My eyes were fixed on the ground, but they saw nothing. No visible sight registered in me but pure darkness and my vision looked up towards the pitch black sky filled with stars. I had learned to appreciate the stars. The bright globes shining through while being surrounded by such shadows while the world fell to the simplest of evils.

I sat there, staring off into into the dark. My mind was filled with such a quantity of hatred for the one person I was forced to live with. One again, my body moved away from the window, a pang of regret shooting through me as I walked away from an escape. My feet had found their way to the light near my door and i turned it on after dimming it.

My thoughts craved to be approved and affirmed and my eyes wandered to the mirror as I saw my horrifying body. My body was half-clad, my attempt to get dressed. I couldn't turn away from the disgusting reflection i saw staring back at me. You are so ugly, Violet. I was a disgusting human being and I was embarrassed to be myself. No one would ever want to look like that. I had always thought those things.

Who wouldn't? My legs and arms were covered in both dark scars and fresh cuts that were covered in bandages. My hair was in a curly black knotted mess than ran down my back. My thighs were huge and pressed together, a nauseous feeling waved over me as I felt my skin meet. You are so fat. My stomach looked like a bulging mass of something I wish I could get rid of. The lips that stared back at me were thin, the eyes - muddy brown. And overwhelming desire waved over me as I looked at my horrific body in pure disgust and anger. I broke away after being so overwhelmed.

Of course you are ugly and fat and disgusting, Violet. They all said so. They all told you.

I was physically knocked back as voices in my head took over the one I put there.

"Ewww what's wrong with her face?"
"Oh my god... What is she wearing?"

"That Emo girl should just kill herself."
"You didn't cut deep enough"

"Attention seeker!"

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Sorry for this chapter, I know it isn't the best. I'm trying to get better

I don't have an editor, so don't hate me for my mistakes.
xxx.