Finding My Happiness

Awakening

November 4 2015

I remember falling in through the darkness, my body feeling as if i was being dropped from a high height. It was exhilarating, even in this state of unconsciousness. I could feel my heart racing and my body settling into overdrive and it provided a sense of adrenaline that I lived for. I had almost forgotten what this felt like. To be so close to death, to feel it, to touch it, but not yet grasp it completely.

It was such an odd feeling, I swear it. It's one of my favorite feelings, Though I would never wish that state upon anyone if they achieved it by the means i had. To be alive and yet to be dead was such a feat.

I remember being unsure of my intentions. It was foreign to have such feelings when you were told for years that your life was meant to be something important in the future. Or maybe I was completely sure of my intentions, but too afraid to accept them for what they really were. Despite my willingness to end my life, The thought of having the desire to die frightened me.

My semi-conscious mind wandered through a sea of darkness. Swirls of words and pictures moved around me in a rhythmic and graceful manner as i fell throughout this blackness. I felt the words of my tormentors jab at me and the injuries i received from those who beat me. I was desperate to find an oasis in my subconscious and I begged for relief within my own mind. There was no escape. There was never an escape for me.

I remember the dim light peaked in through my cage in which my mind was encased. The light grew brighter as my surroundings cleared. My head began to pound and I felt a cold surface underneath me, my cheek pressed firm against tile. I was unaware of my surroundings at first, everything cloudy. Minutes passed. I was finally able to sit up and i rubbed my eyes, taking note of my blood covered legs and floor. What i saw didn't phase me. Though it should have, it didn't and it never would.

I remember slowly getting up and looking at my phone that was on the bathroom counter. 5:30 am. I decided to shower since it was too late to do anything more. The blood pooled onto the floor was quickly cleaned up by own hands, again, my mind wandering to another place. I turned the shower on, the steamy water falling from the nozzle. I knew it would sting my legs when I got in, but i no longer cared, each opportunity of pain was only more release for me.

I stepped in, the water washing down the blood and covering the gashes in my legs. Shooting pain of stings shot through me, but I only smiled and sighed at the satisfactory pain. I proceeded to finish my shower, standing there as the cuts only bled more with the contact of water.

I remember getting out of the shower and looking in the mirror much later, stinging sensations overwhelming me.
I remember seeing a smile on my face that hungered for more pain.