Our Lives Are Shades Of Grey

T h r e e

   "Oh hey." I mutter as I open the door, finding Kaylee behind it. I boost Teddy further onto my hip as I move to the side, letting her enter. "What's up?" I question, looking at her nervous expression.

"Anyone else home?" She asks me, her eyes looking around the house.

I shake my head, nodding it towards Theo, "I'm babysitting him while my parents go on a date." I explain vaguely.

"I think Kieron cheated on me." She admits, looking at me with sad eyes.

I squint at her in confusion, "He wouldn't do that." I tell her. It's true, he'd never cheat on her.

"No h-he did, I know it." She argues, her voice becoming shaky as she hugs herself. "I-I saw him, he was playing basketball with Danny and he kissed Kieron." She tells me.

I shake my head, pulling her hand and leading her to the living room. When we enter I drop her hand, putting Teddy down in his playpen, where he can play with blocks before I return to Kaylee pulling her down onto the couch, "Just 'cause Danny kissed him doesn't mean he kissed him back." I explain, "Besides, he's only got eyes for you Kaylee."

"I don't know, we had a fight and I mean w-we haven't been that close lately. What if he wants to break up o-or something?" She questions, her teary eyes staring at the floor.

"You should talk to him Kay, work your shit out." I say. "C'mon you guys are the dream couple, you can't break up." She laughs slightly at the last part, as her hand wipes away the few tears that escape her eyes. "It's gonna be okay."

"What if it's not though?" She asks, her expression becoming sad again.

I shake my head, smiling comfortingly, "It will be, I promise."

She nods slowly, leaning forward to press her head against my shoulder. I shift slightly, wrapping my arm around her as she cries into my shirt. I hated seeing her like this. She didn't deserve this. No one did.

---

"Well then maybe you shouldn't have adopted me!" I yell at my parents, seeing both their faces change, Alyssa's into horror and Dave's into sadness. "We're all fucking thinking about it!" I point out, the tears slipping from my eyes as I can't help but laugh at this horrible situation. They just asked if I was alright, how did this all spiral so quickly.

"No one's thinking that Kristin." Alyssa tells me, her mouth open slightly, still in shock. "We love you, we'd never regret adopting you."

"You should." I mutter, looking at the ground, "You guys could have the perfect fucking family, you two are perect, teddy's an angel, it's just me that's the odd one out." I say.

Dave shakes his head slightly, "Honey, no one's perfect, you've just got to know when to ask for help." Dave tells me.

I chuckle at that. Help. As if anyone could help me. "Whatever." I spit, "I'm going to my room." I turn on my heel, half running up the narrow stairs and softly closing my door behind me. The real tears fall then, I have to cover my mouth to muffle the sobs that pour after them. My throat feels dry, I need water but I don't wanna go back down stairs.

I open my door quietly, ignoring the murmurs from downstairs I hear, and heading to the bathroom I share with both my parents.

I lean down, turning on the tap to capture some water in my mouth as I stand straight again, staring myself in the mirror.

My mascara had started to run. I didn't even understand why I still wore makeup, it could never make me happy, so why try. I open the top drawer, searching it for Alyssa's makeup wipes but finding something else instead.

Dave's extra razor blades. I pop one of the small metal blades out of the packaging, turning it in my hand. This was stupid, why was I even looking at this, it wasn't like I was gonna actually do something. Something like other people do. Something that other sad and overwhelmed people do. Something like cut myself? No, I would never do that. It's wrong. It's bad. I mean I don't even understand why some people do it. 'Cause it helps? How could that help? It wouldn't.

But really what's the harm in trying it? It's not like I'd keep doing it. Just once. Just to try it. Just to see if it actually helps. I shimmy down my black jeans, until I'm only left with bare thighs. I wasn't about to do it on my wrist. That's too dangerous. That's too difficult to hide.

I grab the blade from the counter, turning it a few times in my hand. Maybe this was stupid. It's dangerous, right? I could hit a vein and be unable to stop the bleeding. I could cut too deep and then it'd hurt for days. There were too many what if's.

I'm not cowering away from this. I'm not letting the stupid what if's stop me. I know it's stupid but it helps people. It helps them express their feelings and stop this feeling of emptiness. I hold the blade against the inside of my right thigh, drawing out the thoughts trying to break their way into my brain.

It helps people, I tell myself as I pull my hand back, closing my eyes as I push the blade further against my skin.

Ow. That was my first thought. Ow, that hurt like a bitch. I open my eyes looking down expectantly. That's blood. My blood. Is my second thought as I look at the blood pooling in the groove I just made. Okay. That's what the fuss was about. I think as I feel invisible weights being lifted from my shoulder. All of the sudden I didn't seem to care that I just had a fight with my parents or that the love of my life was across the globe. I felt lighter. But it was just that once. Never again. I think.