Our Lives Are Shades Of Grey

E i g h t e e n

   I don't bother with the formal words when I meet Luca at the airport, instead just engulfing her in a hug, smiling into the crook of her neck. "I fucking missed you." I admit, a smile spreads across my face as she pulls back, meeting my eyes with a grin as large as mine.

"I missed you too." She breathes, pulling me into a hug again. When she pulls out I'm met with a slightly worried expression, one that ignites that same feeling in me, but instead she says something else, "C'mon, let's get a cab back to my dad's place." She says.

I nod before removing my arms from her neck and watching as she picks up my bag, making me roll my eyes, "I can carry my own bag." I point out, weaving my hand with hers as we walk through the crowds.

"I know you can." She agrees, still not giving me my bag. The grin doesn't slip off my face at all. Not during the cab ride. Not in the elevator-that Luca used as an excuse to kiss me. Not while we walked into her dad's apartment or as we greeted him. Nothing could break the smile. Nothing. I was seeing my girlfriend again. The girlfriend that stayed with me even though I'm broken. Even though I don't deserve her. Even though she has so many more options. 

Even though she shouldn't.

---

"Do you think we can still feel things after we die? Like during the autopsy will it hurt?" I question, making Luca groan as the arm around my shoulder tightens, her other hand pulling the covers up slightly.

"Why do you choose now to ask me life shattering questions?" She replies, making me laugh slightly.

I shrug. I would hardly call it life shattering. "Ever since I started these new meds these types of question just fill my head." I explain.

I feel her stiffen slightly, making me suddenly worried, "Y-you're on meds?"

I nod reaching my hand back to find hers that lay on my shoulder, pulling it so her arm was now around my neck and her hand was intertwined with mine. "Antidepressants."

"How long?" She questions.

"Little over a week, they haven't done anything other than give me these questions and make me feel all fuzzy." I tell her, running my thumb over her knuckles.

She squeezes my hand, still staring blankly at the ceiling, "Fuzzy?"

I nod a bit, before realizing she can't see me, "Fuzzy, like it just feels as if I'm watching myself go through life instead of actually consciously making decisions to do stuff." I explain, the room falling into silence a few seconds later. I shift slightly, suddenly uncomfortable with the aura, "It doesn't matter, they suck and I'm going off them soon anyways." I say, moving out of her arms and rolling so my backs to her.

"Why?" She asks after a few moments.

I swallow, not feeling daring enough to turn back around, "Because they're not working. Neither is therapy." I state, "They both just make me feel shitty."

"Kris..." Luca trails off, sighing quietly.

"I don't really wanna talk about it, besides it's late." I mumble, putting my hand under my pillow to gain a more comfortable position in hopes of falling asleep so I don't have to face this.

I feel a hand on my shoulder, the gesture far too comforting, "Talk to me, Kris." Her voice breaks slightly and it suddenly occurs to me how hard this is for her.

Slowly within a few seconds I start to roll over, meeting her icy gaze in the low lighting. I bite my lip slightly, "Nothing's helping Luca, so why should I keep trying?" I ask quietly, genuinely curious to hear her answer, but she doesn't speak. "Some people aren't meant to get better."

"That's bullshit." She murmurs, dropping my eye contact, "No one was made to feel like this, especially not you. You're not destined to be sad forever."

"Maybe I am though." I argue, "Some people are destined for happiness, others aren't. That's just reality Luca."

"You know I, uh, I noticed something back at the airport." Luca starts, changing the subject and making me remember that mood I saw. "You've lost weight?" She makes the statement sound more like a question as she squints slightly, her blue eyes boring into mine questioningly.

I swallow before nodding slightly, "Yeah I know." I say, before quickly adding, "And I know it's not healthy." Stopping her as she starts to open her mouth, probably to lecture me, but I really don't wanna hear about it. "I'm just not hungry a lot of the time, but I know it's not right and I'll try to start eating more so don't worry about it." I offer her a small smile, my hand moving up to touch the side of her jaw affectionately.

We fall back into silence after I speak, she avoids my eyes as she looks down, staring at something as to not look at me. "Can I see them?" She whispers, her voice hardly even there.

"See what?" I ask, still trying to catch her gaze.

"Your scars." She states, "You don't have to."

I open my mouth to say something but close it, not having the words, I do this a few more times until finally I speak, "They're ugly, I don't want you to show you that gross ugly part of myself." I admit.

"Kris..." She stops talking as I feel her gaze searching for mine as I sheepishly avoid her eyes, my hand dropping from her face to lay at my side. I feel her fingers on my chin, forcing my eyes to meet hers. "Nothing about you could ever be ugly to me." She says, making me swallow uncomfortably with the sheer truth showing through her words.

"I don't want to." I whisper, shaking my head and causing her hand to drop it's hold it had on me. "I'm going to sleep now Luca." I mumble, once again rolling over. I wasn't sure why I was so mad at her words? The only question in my head, running over and over again, 'How could she find me anything other than ugly?'