Cover Your Tracks [HS][2014 VERSION]

22. Last Resort

"I never realized I was spread too thin 'till it was too late, and I was empty within . . ."

A week has passed since the party, and Harry is nowhere to be found. He left that night with intentions to stay away, that much was clear. I was left with nothing but the memory of him knocking me down before storming off, and it was something I could do without. I keep replaying that scene over and over in my head, wondering why he lashed out and attacked me the way he did.

Although, it could have been worse. The last time he had lost his temper was with Miles, and he had practically tried to kill him. After witnessing that, I consider myself lucky to have only been merely knocked on my ass.

The worst thing about the whole situation is that Harry hasn't bothered to show up, leaving me to pick up his slack so my father won't notice he's been gone. I don't know why I'm doing it after the way he treated me, but I can't help myself. I don't want to cause anymore problems than there already are.

And so when my father comes home and asks where Harry is, I say that he finished his shift early and went home, when in reality I'm the one doing everything. It's exhausting balancing both school and the work that has to be done around the ranch, but for the most part, I don't mind. This is how it used to be.

Part of me is glad for Harry's absence. If he had returned the day after our fight, I wouldn't know what to say to him. But now that I've had a week to think about things as I worked, I've gained the confidence to say what I need to.

A smile plays on my lips as I walk to the barn and prepare the feed for the horses. One by one, I lead them into their stalls and pour the feed, watching as they chomp away at their oats. To pass the time while I wait for them to finish, I grab a brush and enter Gypsy's stall, humming quietly to myself.

I miss when my mother and I would spend our weekend out here. I vividly remember the feeling of her lifting me into a saddle and placing me onto a horse's back. I also remember all of the times I fell off. She would freak out and second guess her decision to bring me into the world of horses, and I would beg and plead her to let me stay.

Now, I just wish she would have stayed, too.

Tears pool in my eyes at the thought, blurring my vision. I raise my arm up and wipe the moisture away with the heel of my hand, letting out a sniffle as I pull away. In an effort to distract myself, I start brushing the horse again, but it only makes it worse.

My strokes start out slow, then they speed up, only to slow down again as I feel a wave crash through my body. A sense of numbness fills me as well as an ache deep in my chest, and I lower myself to the ground, burying my face in my hands.

I don't care that I'm sitting in dirt, or right beneath a horse. I don't care about anything other than the pain that's wracking my body.

I don't think I ever truly came to terms with my mother's death. At least, not until now. I've cried over her before, but it didn't compare to what I was feeling now. I felt as if all of my problems had built up only to come crashing down on me all at once, delivering a blow harder than anything I'd felt before.

My mom is gone. She won't get to see me grow up, graduate, get married, or have kids. She's going to miss out on all of it. I don't believe in that "she's there in your heart" shit, because where is she right now, when I'm hurting? She's gone.

I close my eyes and gasp for breath, my chest practically heaving as the air escapes my lungs. My throat feels dry as I swallow, and the air I breathe burns as it goes down.

Slowly, I gather my knees up and wrap my arms around them, hugging myself as I cry. Normally I would feel pathetic and weak in a vulnerable state such as this, but something about this feels right. Like I want it, almost.