30 minutes and 30 years

2012

Yuta: I know what I did was unacceptable, but I'd love it if you'll come on my special day. I miss you.

I looked at the texts Yuta sent me last month. Our friendship has been rocky since the incident. I still think about it sometimes. Occasionally, I like to convince myself that he didn't think of me like that, but I know in my heart that it is true.

I purposely didn't attend the church wedding. I was already in London by the time he was getting married. Nothing would change if I attended, anyways. Weddings are boring. The wedding would just be full of arrogant rich people, and a lot of newscasters and journalists. It would benefit nothing to me if I attended. If I ever wanted to look at the wedding photos, I'd simply search them up on the internet. Nakamoto Yuta and Joy Park were everywhere. I'd be lying if I say they didn't look good together.

I brought Jungwoo with me. I figured he might want to take a look at London with me.

Jungwoo has a special place in my heart. He was always there when I needed someone, when I needed help. He was there at the café everyday, and we would talk about different stuff.

I looked at Jungwoo. He was looking at the window, looking at London. I somehow smiled at the sight, he looked like a kid who you brought to the mall and watched an animated movie with.

I arrived at the reception. Jungwoo told me I had to go alone, he said he would just wait for me outside, that he'd just be taking pictures.

I went inside and sat at the back of the reception. I watched everyone including him, he didn't seem to notice me.

Everyone was already giving their speeches to the new married couple.

By the time they were slicing the cake, I noticed he looked at me.

He stared. That goddamn stare. But something about that stare made me melt. I couldn't tell what kind of stare it was.

"I'm sorry." He mouthed.
"It's okay," I mouthed back.

A lump was forming in my throat, tears were threatening to come out. I had always wanted to tell him the 3 word sentence. I always wanted to tell him that I like him, that I love him. But I couldn't say it anymore. Instead, a 3 word phrase came out from my mouth.

"Please be happy."
"I am."

I smiled at him. He smiled at me.

I decided to go, everything was so loud and everyone was too happy, and I couldn't stand it. I looked at the view of London and wrapped my arms around myself. It was cold. I shouldn't and couldn't cry.

I processed everything.

The Nakamoto Yuta I grew up with, the man that I had always loved since I first met him when I was 5, was now married to a woman he loves. There will always be the 'what if?' mentality. I don't need to mention them, they will never happen anymore.

But I wish him all the happiness in the world. He'll become a great husband, and soon, probably a great father. Someone who wouldn't be like my dad. I just know it. Joy is the perfect partner for him.

I stopped as someone took a photo of me. It was Jungwoo, in front of me, holding his camera.

Jungwoo was my definition of considerate. Jungwoo was also sophisticated but he was more of a considerate person to me. When my mother was sick and my income wasn't enough, he offered me his hand and helped go through it. When my mother's health was deteriorating, he sacrificed his time with his family to help me look after my mother.

"You look pretty tonight." He looked at me with his almond eyes.
"Just tonight?" I joked and smiled at him.
"You were always pretty." We both laughed and stared at each other.
"No one ever told me that." And it was true, no one did.
"Well, at least you know now. It's my pleasure to be the first one to inform you."

We continued walking, though we both didn't know where we were going. The surroundings were still unfamiliar, though the atmosphere wasn't. The silence between us was comforting.

He asked me a question that caught me off guard.

"Do you love Yuta?"

Yes. But I shouldn't anymore.

"What made you think that?" I looked at him while walking.
"I could tell."

"You're not wrong." I inhaled. "I do love him." I could feel him look at me. I continued walking, and he stopped behind me. "But not more than best friends. Just someone who I grew up with." I lied. I love him more than just my best friend and more than just someone who I grew up with. But I don't have to tell anyone anymore.

"Then would you give me a chance?"

I stopped and looked back.

"What?"
"You know what I mean."

He walked towards me.

"I like you Sana. Ever since I met you in our last year of high school."

I didn't know what to say for a moment. "You can't possibly like me Jungwoo, I'm not like you. I'm not an established person, and worse, you saw me go through hell. I'm an unlikeable person, Jungwoo."

"Then why do you think I stayed with you through your tough times, why I don't have a lover until now? I don't care if you're unestablished, Sana. For me you are. You're trying your best and staying strong. You're my definition of established."

The last sentence moved me. I know we all have our definition of something, and all my life I've been defining other people, and I didn't even think about what I was to others, other people than Yuta. For years, Yuta was the only one I saw when there were other people beside me.

From that moment, no one else came to my mind.

"I just wanted to tell you," But before he could continue, I cut him off.

"Yes."
"What?" He looked at me with those snoopy eyes. Cute snoopy eyes.
"Yes, Jungwoo. I'm giving you a chance."

He stared at me for a moment, then he smiled. "Thank you."

I walked to him, and held his hand. We continued walking, smiling like fools.

There was this unfamiliar feeling creeping over me that I hadn't felt in a long time. Was this happiness?

I don't know. But I hope it was.