I stumbled out of bed, sweat drizzling down my face. It seemed as though nightmares haunted my sleep every day now, filling me with terror and making me stressed. It was starting to get bad now, I hadn't slept in days.
In a way, my nightmares weren't the only reason I couldn't sleep though. It all involved the same person. Cardan.
I was doing all of the work the high king should have been doing, but he was always drunk off his ass or sitting on his throne without a care in the world.
All of the work was stressful, and as I did it, I had to look up at him as he slumped on his throne. He always made me feel little, helpless. No matter what. No matter what I did, he always made me feel small.
And he is always in my nightmares now. Either driving a sword through me or telling me he loves me. Every time he tells me he loves me in my mind, a part of me feels happy. Feels fulfilled that he said those words to me, like I love him back or something. But I can't love him, I just can't. Besides, the real Cardan would never think to say those words to me anyways.
I don't want to care about it, I want to let it go and let my hate for him grow stronger. I don't want to love him, I'm positive I don't but there's that part of me that just doesn't know.
I stagger towards a small table that sits by the leather coach in my room. Wood creeks from under me. I shouldn't have chosen such an old room, yet I did.
There is a large pitcher of water waiting for me on the table. There's no cup to pour the water into it though, so I suppose I have to drink straight from the pitcher.
As I guzzled down the water, some of the liquid that didn't make it into my mouth drizzles down my neck and makes its way down to my chest before I wipe it off.
My clothes were a little wet now, but I didn't mind. I was wearing a large, button up shirt from the human lands. It was white, almost see through. Underneath, I had human undergarments on. I had purchased it at Target, Vivi and Taryn had to convince me to get it.
I was halfway through the pitcher, the water feeling too refreshing as it entered my mouth and ran down my throat. I was so thirsty from the day before. I hadn't had time to eat or drink anything, too busy getting paperwork done and training.
Suddenly, I heard a loud knock on my door. It had so much force in it that my doors shook. It surprised me, surprised me a little too well.
My grip had loosened around the pitcher and it went tumbling to the ground. Water spilled all over me, soaking me and my garments. I heard the contact the pitcher made with the ground, felt glass shards circle my feet. It made a loud sound, echoing against my walls.
"Shit," I shout as I look at the glass shards.
Without waiting for my confirmation to come in, a tall figure strides into my room, heading towards the leather couch beside me.
"What dirty language for a lady. You've made quite a mess," a voice laughs as they plop onto the leather couch.
Without having to look up, I already know who it is. I can tell by his voice, followed by the laughter. Cardan. He is obviously drunk though.
"What do you need?" I ask as I look at him with a look of annoyance on my face.
"I don't need anything," he laughs as he takes a gulp of wine from the bottle that is in his hand. It leaves red on his lips, making them shine even more from the little light from the candles in my room.
"Then why are you here?" I ask with a harsh tone.
"Do I need a reason to come see you? Besides, I thought you would like some company. I found the ball quite boring, especially because you weren't there," Cardan laughs as he takes another sip.
"If you were bored than you should have hung out with Locke. It seems as though you two always have fun together," I say, not bothering to hide the disgust in my voice.
"The only time it's fun with Locke is when I'm drunk," Cardan groaned as he moved around on the couch, trying to find a more comfortable position.
"You are clearly drunk now," I say as I look away from him and start picking up the glass shards off the ground.
"You need to be careful. You'll cut yourself," Cardan says as he starts to get up, loud creeks from the wood following him as he walks towards me.
I keep picking up the shards, not minding to look at him as he helps me pick them up. After a second, most of it is cleaned up. I reach for the very last piece. I pick it up but notice I didn't hold onto it good enough. The shard crashes to the floor, slicing through my skin as it falls.
Blood drips down my finger, the red liquid coating my skin as it runs out of me. Before I can react, Cardan takes my hand and looks at the cut.
The moment our skin makes contact, desire takes over my body. He is so warm. It spreads throughout my body, making even my core feel warm.
Then, he licks the blood off of my finger. He keeps his tongue on the scratch for a second, making sure no more blood will leak out. His tongue feels right on my skin, like it's supposed to be on me.
Even though he takes his tongue off of my finger, he doesn't let go of my hand. I never want him to let go of my hand, no matter how much I hate that I like it.
He uses his finger to trace my palm, included every line I have in my hand. When I gain the courage to look up at him, his eyes are already on me.
When we make eye contact, I have the urge to look away. I want to look away. If I don't, I will drown in desire from those black eyes. Thankfully, he scans the rest of my face. But when his eyes meet my lips, he does not look away.
I scan the rest of his face as well, the arch of his nose, the overall beauty of him. The only thing I do not look at is his lips though, even if he is looking at mine. If I look at them, I won't be able to control myself. I know that I will go in for a kiss and I don't feel like being rejected tonight. Even if he doesn't reject me right now though, I know he is drunk. He wouldn't really mean it and that would hurt more than being flat out rejected.
Surprisingly, we both stand at the same time, avoiding what might have come next. We still stand there though, trying to move but unable to. My body has betrayed me, I can only hope it won't go farther.
"Don't forget to go to the ball tomorrow. You didn't come tonight," Cardan says as he turns away from me and walks over to the table, most likely to collect his wine glass.
"I was just busy doing work. And I was tired," I say quickly as I walk over to the nightstand by my bed. It feels like I was just rejected, so it hurts a little but I push that feeling away.
"Well, you need to come to this one. And wear a dress, not one of your jackets that you always wear," Cardan says as he walks to the door. As he opens it, I try and find a way to reply.
"I don't have a dress," I say quickly.
"I'll have one sent to your rooms tomorrow then. Make sure to wear it," Cardan says with a cruel smile as he walks out of my room and closes the door behind him.
That got out of hand, really out of hand. Even though we truly didn't do anything, I shouldn't have sat there and looked at him like that for minutes at a time. I should have rejected him first, I shouldn't have made it obvious. I'm so stupid. I should have looked away the instance we locked eyes but I couldn't.
I hate having those feelings towards him, I hate myself for having those feelings at all. He's been so mean to me, so very cruel. How can I feel this way about him? I hate it and I want it to go away. But I know it won't.
I have to show him that I don't like him like that, even if it isn't true. The perfect time would be at the ball tomorrow, hopefully he would be watching me though. If he wasn't, it would all be for nothing. I'll think of a plan, a plan to show him I don't desire his touch or him. Even though I desire that more than anything.
