Numb

Chapter One

Numb

Verb 2. Deprived of feeling or responsiveness.

Unedited

       Everybody said when someone close dies, you lose a part of yourself. That was a lie because I feel like a part of me wasn't just taken away but all of me. I feel so numb; part of me wonders when I will crumble into ashes and let my remains be whisked away into an ocean or be buried six feet under.

I'll prefer the latter because things have changed. You can be subtle. Still, it takes just a blink of an eye for you to have all the energy and oxygen to be deprived out of you, and as the doctor whose names I keep forgetting says the words, I'm sorry for your loss.

I just shut down even though I knew he was dead. As soon as I saw those eyes, god, those lifeless eyes staring next to me on the pavement, I knew that he was gone.

So here I am, not listening to my mother on what a good boy my brother was when she could barely remember what's his favorite food.

Still, hey, you have to love the person who raised you, not forgetting the father I know I have because, of course, my mother didn't create my brother and me by herself. My mother is no Virgin Mary.

She's the talk of the town, and one reason for that has to do with a useless father who left when things got too hard, pathetic, really, but what can you expect? He was a perfect sperm donor who served his purpose and left.

I feel someone wrap their Arm around me, letting me know that it's my mom smelling like cigarettes, and a hint of mint seemed like she tried to cover it up, but it's not working for her.

"Evermore let's go say goodbye to your brother," she said.

I walk up to the front. I see two men bringing my brother's smooth mahogany wood casket down.

Never in a million years would I believe standing here doesn't hurt anymore. See, that's the thing about feeling numb; you can't feel anything. I would instead feel numb than feel pain. As I watch the two men bury my brother, I start to think How much I want to lay beside him in that casket.

I didn't notice my mother walking me to the car until I was in the passenger seat. "evermore, everything is going to be okay. I'm here for you," mom said. I decided not to say anything.

I heard that way too many times to count, and I'm used to it just being words. I decided to just look out the window until we got home. _______

We got home. I headed straight for my room, not wanting to talk to my mother. I pass my brother's room, not giving it a second glance. I don't want to be reminded of the day life drained from his eyes.

I walk into my room and glance at clothes strewn all over the floor and my bed, which is a single mattress. Due to money being tight, I don't have the luxury to get a real bed.

I walk over to my mattress and lay down, staring at the ceiling. I never thought my life could turn upside down. It was well technically upside down due to my parents being neglecting, but everything was okay.

My brother Evan made it alright. Evan made life bearable; he made sure to be my rock and my everything. Now I don't have anything left.

I gave up on trying to save my mother; she only thinks about herself, and now that Evan is going, I don't care anymore whether I live or die. I died as soon as Evan did. As I think about Evan, I don't realize my eyes are closing.