Paul Is Dead

You Can't Do That

PAUL'S POV

They replaced me. I fucking died and the very first thing they did was replace me? 

I was completely outraged. 

I longed to be back with my friends and family. I could feel the yearning in my heart to join them again, and the ache was so strong that sometimes it was physically painful. It was also physically painful to know that the first thing they did was decide to fine a replacement for me. Was I really that easily replaceable? Did they really care more about this band's success than they did about me? They can't do that.

It's hard to explain exactly where or what I was. I wasn't in heaven, at least I didn't really think so. Things weren't all that different, but they weren't the same either. It was...strange.

Time no longer had a meaning to me; I had been doing a lot of watching. The night after I died was when I visited for the first time. Even though I was kind of mad at the rest of the lads and even Emma for deciding to replace me, I couldn't shake the desire to be with them again, or at least get to talk with them one last time. I went to Emma first. I can't really say how I did it - I'm not too sure of it myself. Ever since I had died, I'd been thinking of Emma. I felt awful for her, and I wanted so badly to be back with her. We could have had a real future, I had even planned on proposing soon.

So much for that.

Whenever I found myself thinking of her, suddenly I would be there with her. Not actually standing in the room with her, but just watching on. Like my own little heavenly world was somehow intertwined with her real one.

That night I was standing in my old bedroom, watching on as Emma slept. I felt the pangs of desire in my gut; I ached to be back in that bed with her. The floor next to the bed was showered with crumpled up used tissues, one still dangling from her delicate fingers as she layed sprawled out on the bed. The ache grew stronger and stronger, and I closed my eyes.

I suddenly felt a warm wind on my cheeks, and sunlight shone through my eyelids. Slowly opening them, I realized I was standing in a park. Actually, the park that I met Emma in. 

I was siting underneath the large oak tree in the center of the park, a large hat and oversized sunglasses masking my face. It was a pain to have to hide myself like this every time I wanted to go out, but this park was where I got some of my best inspiration. I continued to fiddle with the strings on my guitar, my face crumpled up in concentration. "She loves me...I love you...no, those don't sound right..."

Suddenly a shadow came up behind me, taking me by surprise. "That sounds nice. What is it?" I spun around and looked up, and I wasn't able to stop the enormous, cheeky grin from spreading across my face. 

"Oh, just something I've been messing around with. No big deal, really."

A lump formed in my throat as I recalled that day. Looking around, I spotted Emma standing ways away from me. My face lit up.

"Emma!!"

She spun around, her eyes wide.

"Oh my gosh, Paul!" 

She ran towards me at full speed, and for a moment I was worried she was going to hurt me or something. She engulfed me in an enormous hug, and I realized she has begun to cry.

"Oh Paul, I miss you so much...This is so silly, it's only a dream..."

I pulled away, grasping her shoulders tightly. "Emma, it may be a dream, but this is really Paul. It's really me, Em."

A wave of hurt and confusion washed over her face, and she shook me away. "No you're not. You can't be. Paul died this morning."

I could feel my heart slowly start to break, and the desire to cry grew stronger.

"Emma, I know. I need you to listen to me, because I don't know how much time I have. I don't know how this whole 'dead' thing really works yet."

She let out a small chuckle through the stream of tears flowing down her cheeks.

"Emma, I love you. I'm so sorry that this had to happen."

She sniffled. "I love you too, Paul."

"Why did you have to go and replace me, though? Why would you-?"

Suddenly it became harder and harder for me to speak, and Emma was getting further away from me. My vision was slowly becoming cloudy. In a panic, I realized that my time must be up.

"Emma, wait! No! Come back!" 

She threw her arm out, reaching towards me. "Paul, no!"

The foggy mist grew stronger, until it completely clouded the air and I was no longer standing in the park. When everything became clear again, I found myself standing in my old bedroom in the small house that I had grown up in. Confused, I looked around for a moment before there was a knock on the door.

"James, honey? Can I come in?"

The tears that had been threatening to appear all day had now begun to fall like there was no tomorrow. Either I had gone crazy or that was the voice of my mother.

"Mum? Is that you?"

She walked through my bedroom door slowly, a faint yet indescribable glow to her. She seemed to be radiating light and warmth, and she looked younger than I ever remembered seeing her. The sickly and pained face that I had last seen her wear was now one full of love and beauty.

"Paul, dear, what are you doing here? I've been waiting for you to show all day."

She must have noticed my confused expression, because she let out a sigh. "In heaven, dear. I've been waiting there for you."

My brows furrowed in confusion. "Isn't that where I am now? Where else is there for a dead person to be?"

She slowly nodded her head at me, like I was five again and she was preparing to give me a lecture. "You're almost in heaven. Right now, you're stuck in the in-between."

I frowned. "The in-between?"

"Where you go before right after death, but before heaven. You stay here until you have fully let go of your past life. Some are here a few hours, others can stay for years."

Tears stung my eyes. "How could I ever let go of my life? My life was taken from me! It wasn't fair! I had so much left to do!"

My mother slowly glided towards me, wrapping her arms around me in a hug. She whispered in my ear. "You have to let go, James. You'll be happier once you let go of all these people. Continuing to watch them will only make the pain linger on even longer."

A million thoughts flooded through my mind. Going to heaven and forever being at my mother's side was the most tempting thing, but I wasn't ready for that. Not yet. I thought of Emma, John, George, Ringo, Brian, and even this new fellow William. What was going to happen to them? How were things going to go? I had to stay to find out. I needed to know what was going to happen to those that I loved.

Tears welled out of my eyes and down my cheeks as I tightly embraced the woman that had given birth to me."I can't, Mum. Not yet."

She sighed again and pulled away, captivating me with her warm, milky eyes. "I knew you wouldn't be - you were always a stubborn one. You'll see just how much it can hurt to stay past your welcome." The mist began to disappear, as did she. "I love you, darling. See you soon," she called before she had gone. 

I stood there alone, thinking about what she'd said. What did she mean by "staying past my welcome"? I tried to shrug her warning off as nothing. 

I had to stay around here, in this in-between, to watch - and who knows? Maybe I could even play a part in what was happening.