I'm In Trouble Deeper

Ten

Danny kissed Linda on the cheek as she stood at the island with a myriad of pills and a glass of chocolate milk in front of her. "What's all this?"

"Pills. And chocolate milk," she took a sip of the milk. "If I try hard enough, I can convince myself that it's a mocha Frappuccino."

Danny picked up a bottle, "prenatal gummy vitamins."

She took that from his hands and popped two gummies in her mouth. She tapped the bottle, "these are good. I could eat these like regular gummies. They taste like strawberry."

He watched her put that bottle aside, then dispense the pills. She took them one by one. "How can you deep throat a Popsicle, but can't take more that one pill at a time?"

She nearly choked on her milk at that. Smiling, she smacked his chest, "not so loud! By the way, did the tea help you sleep last night? After we sorta had sex, I was so tired, I zonked out pretty much immediately."

"I don't know if it helped me sleep, but it did calm me down."

"Good." She swallowed the last pill, then chewed the last gummies. "So, where are you taking me for lunch?"

"We haven't even had breakfast yet."

"Fine. Where are we going for breakfast? I'm in the mood for pancakes... and bananas, and chocolate."

"You can make that at home."

Linda glared at him, "you expect me to stand for that long? I can barely breathe without hurting. There's no way I'm standing to make something I can get at a restaurant. So where we gonna go?"

**********

Danny found Linda crying in his old room a month later. The eighth month of her pregnancy went well, and now they were just waiting for baby to come. Only he was taking forever, which was making Linda frustrated. She was in pain, she was tired, and she just wanted the baby out of her. "Why are you crying?"

"I want to have the baby! It's been forever already! I'm like a month past due!"

"You can't be a month past due. They don't allow that." He sat next to her, and put a hand on her shoulder.

"It feels like I've been pregnant for forever!"

"You'll have the little rascal soon enough," he put his hand on her stomach, and smiled when he felt the baby kick.

"But why can't it be right now?!"

"Honey, you gotta relax. Remember what the doctor said? Stress stalls labor and everything."

"I'm not stressed!" She snapped back, "I'm tired and frustrated, and I hurt all over! And I just want the baby to come out!"

Danny held Linda as she cried, hoping for both their sanities that the baby would be born soon.

**********

It was two in the morning, and Linda was sweating bullets even though March in New York was still a little cold. She kicked off the covers, annoyed with everything at the moment, and reached for her thermos of ice water on the nightstand. She took some sips, but still felt like she was antsy. She felt like she needed to do a million and one things, even though she really didn't have anything to do. She wasn't going to wake Danny with the cries that were stuck in her throat. She walked to the bathroom and closed the door, and sunk to the cold floor.

Linda put her head in her hands and started to cry. She hated these crying episodes- she even had them when she was a teenager on her period. She felt like such a failure because she couldn't do anything but complain and cry and eat. She couldn't even sleep! She felt like she was suffocating and that the walls were closing in- she had to get her nightgown off. She shucked the offensive fabric off her body and threw it across the room.

Linda needed something to ground her again; something to shut the loud thoughts off. She needed a release. She stood up with a struggle, and turned the bathroom light on. Her eyes took a few moments to adjust, but when she caught her reflection in the mirror, she wished they hadn't adjusted. She looked disgusting; she was puffy all over. She looked like she hadn't slept for years; she actually looked angry, like someone to be avoided.

"Where is it?" She mumbled as she looked at the small counter top. She opened the medicine cabinet and searched for her desired item. On the middle self, in very center of the wood, was what she was looking for. She swallowed and grabbed the dark blue shaving razor. She stared at it, her heart pounding loudly in her ears as her brain filled with fuzzy static.

A small voice in her head told her, "don't do it, Linda." It sounded like Danny.

Linda shook her head, feeling nauseous. She had done this before- she knew where to cut that Danny wouldn't really notice. Places where she could lie about what happened- she scrapped her arm on the porch or the picnic bench. She was clumsy with weeding and bumped into the roses, the thorns scarping her ankle. She fell on the pavement in the grocery store parking lot and scraped up the side of her knee. Those excuses had worked many times before, they would certainly work again now.

Linda turned around and sat on the edge of the tub. She put her feet in the tub, then lifted her left foot on the other side. She took a shaking breath, and pressed the razor to the inside of her ankle. The scar she had had there was finally faded, something she had been happy about. Now she was going to screw up her skin and her mind again.

"Danny's gonna kill you," that same voice earned her.

She shook her head and pressed the razor against her skin. She bit her lip hard as she raked the razor against her dried skin. She cried harder because it stung, but it felt good.... too good. She did it seven times more before standing up to bandage it.

"Danny's gonna kill me...."