Dear Jennie (JenLisa Short Stories) [On Going]

01.1 The Letter (Dear Jennie)

Dear Jennie:

I just need to write this, take it out of my system, you know to like see it from another angle, another perspective, I can't really talk to anyone.

I need to write this before all this words bleed inside me, I can't keep them locked inside my heart any longer, I wonder what would you think if you read this, probably that I'm insane, and I do think it's true, I'm crazy for you Ruby Jane.

You are everything I always wanted, you are perfect just the way you are, you seem cold and and unapproachable from the outside, always with a serious expression but I know you prefer it this way to don't get hurt, you are trying to protect your soft heart.

I need to tell you just three words, but somehow I'm not sure they will ever be able to come out from my mouth, why? Because of the sake of our group and our careers, but sometimes I wonder, Does all this worth it without you? If we can't be together? If I can't at least let you know how I feel? Even if I get rejected, I surely should try, maybe someday when you give me some time to express myself, maybe someday if I get the courage, but I'm a coward and I don't think it will be possible.

The truth is I'm in love with you, there you go, since when? probably from the start, when you smiled at me for the very first time, when you asked me to show you how to improve your dancing, and from that moment on I kept falling slowly, deeper and deeper till one day I couldn't take you out of my head or my heart.

Years have passed and the feelings keep growing, I see your smile and I melt instantly, like the first time when we were just trainees.

Am I being delusional? Maybe, at least I feel that way for feel all this love inside me yet not dare to confess, because I'm afraid to lose you, but I didn't have to say anything, you are gone already, I thought I preferred to be your friend, scratch that, only a workmate, a simple colleague, since our paths have gone differently lately, and you are with someone else.

This is a selfless love, because I prefer to see you happy, than suffering, plus it's not your fault I feel this way.

I'll try my best to do the same, be happy, even if I'm not with you, gosh how I wish I could say all this to you, but I'm not good at saying all the things my heart is screaming, sometimes it screams so out loud that I can't hear my own thoughts.

I love you, that's all I need you to hear from me, maybe if I'm brave enough I'll be able to say it out loud, and maybe just maybe you'll realise you want me too?, That would be great.

I thought I saw the same love in your eyes a couple of times, but then again maybe I have been wrong all this time and I end up mistaken all your actions towards me, your kindness.

Remember the first time you hugged me?, I was dying there, I felt this heavy feeling on the pitch of my stomach, butterflies, singing, dancing flying all around inside me, simple happiness I thought, but happiness can't shake your heart to the point it seems it's going out of your own body.

I still get the same sensation, the giddiness, the butterflies and my face go on dumb mode smiling non stop every time I see you around.

Just a single touch from you throws a huge electrical jolt all over my body, haven't you felt it? Maybe not with me, but someone else? The day you feel it you'll understand me better.

Today you are pushing me away, denying our friendship, gosh a simple friendship, what hope remains for love? Probably none, and even if your words pierced my stupid heart I still feel attracted to you like a magnet, when will I be able to finally run away from your magnetic field?

Do I want that? I'm not sure...

Jennie the way you make me feel hardly will disappear, at this moment, at this point, I'm not sure I will be able to love someone as I love you, my future is uncertain, who knows what will happen years from now, but for some reason it seems my love for you will remain deep inside the core of my heart, buried there, attached to every artery.

I'm scared, I'm a lonely person, it's hard to open myself, everyone seems to think I'm the happiest girl, a sunshine they say, but it's just the way I protect myself, I don't want people notice this sorrow, this permanent sadness.

It's not your fault you can't reciprocate my feelings, you don't even know about them to start with, and damn I wanted to be special for you, I actually thought I was.

All this feelings inside me are drowning me, and this isn't your fault either, it's just the way I am, after all it was me the one that put her own hopes up, you never gave me a reason to fall for you, not even a single hint, I'm the only one responsible to fix this cracked heart, I knew this was a game that I would lose since the beginning, I tried to stop but it's not easy, It will never be easy.

One thing I'm certain is that you'll be the best thing someone will have, such a wonderful luck to own your pure heart, your love, your attention, witness your caring and funny side, how you scrunch your nose when you are deep thinking, hear your baby voice that you hate so much but that melt hearts, it surely melts mine Every single time.

The only thing I can blame you for Jennie Kim is for being too perfect, too lovable and so brave, damn I love how you protect the people you care about and how you stand for yourself and others, I know you will  do everything to make sure someone won't suffer, if only I was lucky enough to be one of them, I used to be one, once, long time ago.

So that's all, all I wanted you to know, funny how I feel my chest getting lighter just by writing this, you know I want to be enough for you, maybe someday you'll notice how much I love you Kim, or at least I'll be able to get your friendship back, that would be great, more than great, I just want to be part of your life in any way you allow me to.

I love you so much, I will always love you, they say you have just one true love, maybe you are mine, only time will tell.

Take care, when I'm not longer able to look after you.

Yeah I'm the one cutting apples and strawberries for you to take as snack, the one that does your bed so you get comfortable, the one that refills the water jug on the fridge because you prefer it cold, the one that makes sure you will always have cold milk, the one that makes a grocery shopping list to buy all the things you usually forget when is your turn to go to the supermarket, the one that will hear you and be there for you, no matter what time is it, and the one that won't doubt to break someone's nose if they break your heart.

LM

P.S. My heart and mind belongs to you, there's no moment of the day that I don't wish you could be at least my dear friend, my dear Jennie.