Breathe

CHAPTER 4: CASSIE

"What a freak."

"Do you think her parents regretted having her?"

I pull my cap over my head tighter and walk faster. With the students' homework and extracurricular activities, it's a wonder to me how these people have so much time in their hands to gossip. I go to my locker and switch my books for first period when I hear a snicker behind me.

"What a loser." Lana's high-pitched voice says. "Do you not find it pathetic that you're the only one alive from your family?"

I ignore her. I wonder how she feels, wasting her breath everyday trying to have some reaction out of me. Does she not get that I don't care about anything anymore? She's like a fly, following me around wherever I go.

"Cut it out, Lana." I turn around and find Belle beside me, glaring at Lana with disgust.

"Belle, don't you find it weird that you're defending the school freak? I mean, why? She hasn't even paid you any attention since this school year started." Lana says.

"My relationship with Cassie is none of your business, Lana. I mean, don't you find it pathetic that you can't seem to keep your nose out of other people's business?" Belle says with a smirk.

I try to hold back my smile as Lana stomps away. I look at Belle and she's staring at me with a soft smile. "Thanks, B."

"Oh please. She knew messing with you would eventually involve me. I'm your best friend! I missed hearing your voice, Cass. How are you? You know that I know you've been avoiding us."

The thing with Belle is that she always knows when I am telling her the truth. She's not the type to buy my bullshit. But the truth is not something I can easily blurt out.

The truth is dangerous, because the truth is however someone sees it. I know that my truth is not the truth that Belle believes in. She's too pure and kind to even acknowledge the monster that eats me alive. So instead of answering her, I just nod at her and turn around.

"Cassie!" She runs after me and tries to catch my eye but I am too busy looking at the floor. She tries to stop me and tries to hold me. "Cassie, please talk to me. Let me help you."

I finally look at her and beg her with my eyes. "Please, Belle. Let me go." I don't know what she sees but her hold on me loosens. I walk past her, barely keeping myself together. I wanted to let her in, but I know that I am not a safe person to be with.

Because when your mind has started to poison who you are, it's impossible to save others from your toxicity. And I refuse to be the reason for Belle to lose her light. ________________________________________________________________________________

"Okay, guys. So, aside from you pair project, another project this term is you guys are required to do a persuasive speech about any topic. I already taught you the rules, so all you have to do is come up with a topic and convince the rest of the class of whatever it is you are persuading us with." Ms. Greene says.

Death. Change. Lost. Darkness. These are the words that I write on my notebook. I don't know what kind of speech I'm going to come up with when my mind is full of these.

"Hey," I hear him say. "I-"

"Please leave me alone." I cut Nick off. I don't even bother looking up.

"Cassie." He says my name in this gentle manner that I hate because Nick can easily break down the walls I have tried so hard to build around me.

The bell rings and I all but run outside the classroom but Nick caught up with me. "Cassie!" I continue to walk to my car as if I haven't heard him. "Cass!"

I ignore him and unlock my car, but Nick intercepts me and stands in front of my door. "Cassie, please talk to me."

"Why can't you leave me alone?" I whisper at him.

"What the hell is going on with you? Why are you avoiding me?" He whisper shouts.

I can feel his frustration, his hurt. But see, that is the thing about me. Just being near me brings pain to people.

"Is it because of what happened that night?" He whispers, softer this time. I freeze. "Cassie, is it because we kissed? Because I told you that I love you?" His voice is so low now.

How can he think that? His confession, his kiss, was the only thing that I wanted to remember. His love is what made me hold on despite the fact that I wish to give up and disappear and let go. I finally look up at him and what I saw broke me more. His eyes... they used to glow. But now, Nick just looks like he's lost and miserable and I did that. I fucked him up, just like how I fuck everything up. And I knew what I had to do.

"Nick," I whisper. I took his hands and held his gaze and uttered the words that are to free him from the baggage that is me. "I can't be her. I can't do this. I can't be the Cassandra that you loved before... all this. I can't be the girl everyone expects me to be. And I can't go back to who I was. I know it makes no sense right now, and it would probably never make sense to you. But I lost her." My voice breaks. "I lost me, and I just can't. I don't regret that night, and I don't regret that kiss. Because I did love you." His hands tighten around mine, and by now tears are freely falling. "But how can I? How can I love you when I don't even know who I am right now?"

"Cassie, I can be here. I can hold your hand through this. I can-"

"No, Nick. You can't. You shouldn't have to. I'm a mess. And I can't tell you why. And I'm just so sorry. Sorry to hurt you, sorry to do this."

"Please... Cassie, we can do this together." His voice was breaking, and if I hated myself before, I sure as hell loathe myself now.

"Nick! You're not listening. I DON'T WANT YOU TO HELP ME. I don't know what I want and you, you expect so much of me and I CAN'T DO IT!" I sobbed. He looks like I just slapped him. I guess, with my words, I kind of did. "Nick, let me go. I'm not worth it."

"You're wrong. You ARE worth it." He whispers, holding my hands tightly.

I pull my hands away from him. "I am not, Nick." I push him aside so I can get in my car. "Let me go. I am not worth anything."

I see Nick drying his eyes while I drive away. I drive faster, leaving the guy I love behind. Saving him from me. And I start to feel it, the constant drowning. The helplessness. The hopelessness.

By the time I park at home, all I feel is empty.

I just broke what was left of me.