White Teeth Teens

33. No Better

In school the next day, I walk into Drawing class with my chin held high. Logan drags my desk closer to his. Ben walks into class late. My head feels light for a few seconds, but Logan gives me a reassuring smile and I take a deep breath.

Tom gives us our assignment and lets us work for the remainder of class. In my periphery, I can tell that Ben's staring at me. I ignore him and keep drawing. When the bell rings, Logan is right up beside me. We walk side by side, past Ben and out of the classroom.

"Thanks," I say.

He pats my shoulder. "You're good."

At lunch, I go to my normal seat with Allison, Val, and the sophomore girls. Val clamps her hand down around my wrist.

"Girl." She furrows her brow. "You okay?"

"Yeah. I'm over it."

"It's totally understandable if you aren't," says Allison.

"No. I am. I really am." I stick my fork into my salad and shove lettuce into my mouth. Val and Allison give each other a look and then start their lunch. I keep my back to Ben's table until the bell rings.

Before my last class, I catch Liz walking out of a classroom. She corners me against the lockers. "Hey! I've been trying to reach you all weekend!"

"Sorry." I mutter. I didn't look at my phone once this weekend. Not until this morning, when I got all of Liz's texts and a grand total of zero texts from Ben.

"Well?" she lifts an eyebrow. "Were you surprised that your parents adopted Ellie?!"

"You knew?"

"Of course I knew. Your mom got a hold of me and I helped her with the adoption."

I wrap my arms around her neck, giving her a big hug. "You're the best," I say.

Liz laughs. "It was really nothing. But thanks Ror."

"What are you doing Friday? Wanna come to the Film Festival with me?" I ask. The second bell rings.

"If I finish some of my college apps, I can. I'll let you know! See ya!" She disappears down the hall and I slip into Mr. Russo's classroom.

#

The whole week, I do a good job of avoiding Ben and I feel slightly better but on Thursday I have to see Dr. Moran. I had a foolproof plan of telling her everything's been great in my life. I'd really hone in on the fact that Mom and Dad got us a dog. Then when I see her again I'll have a better story for why Ben and I broke up.

My entire plan backfires before I even sit down in her office. "I hear you're going through a break up," she says.

Damn you, Dad!

"Yeah." I shrug. "It's not a big deal."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Okay. Then what would you like to talk about?"

I'm taken aback. She's not going to urge me to talk about it? Really? I don't know what to say. Dr. Moran suggests we talk about my anxiety. It makes me realize that I haven't once taken a pink pill to calm myself down. When I left Ben's house, I easily could've but I didn't.

I tell her this and she asks, "How did you cope?"

"I just kind of dealt with it. Actually... I haven't felt bad enough where I needed it in months."

Dr. Moran smiles. "That's great to hear. If this keeps up, we can reevaluate your need for medication."

I'm not so sure. "Maybe," I say. "But I feel like the anti-depressant is really helping me. It's like a guide giving me a push in the right direction. I mean, I think I could decrease the dosage and stop taking those as needed pills, but I don't think I'm ready to stop meds all together, just yet."

"That's very astute of you Rory. But whenever you feel like making a change, we can talk about it."

"Sounds good."

#

I've got the car since Dean's at practice and Logan's at school for the Film Festival rehearsal. During the drive home from Dr. Moran's, my phone starts vibrating. I reach for it and see that it's a number that's not saved in my phone. I throw it back on the seat. Then I realize—I deleted Ben's number.

When I get home, I check my phone and there's a voicemail.

"Hey it's Ben. I was wondering if we could talk? Give me a call if you can."

Hot air blows from my nostrils. What's his deal? He never responded to my text last Friday and he thinks he can just reach out whenever he feels like it? I'm not calling him back.

#

In school the next day, I can tell that Logan's really anxious about the Film Festival. He's tapping his pencils against his desk like he's performing a drum solo. Over the loud speaker, the senior class president announces that the Film Festival starts tonight at 8 o'clock in the auditorium. She lists the names of filmmakers. Everyone in Drawing turns to look at Logan when his name is called. His face turns bright red and he hunches down over his drawing paper to hide his face.

Ben watches me more than usual this morning. This time I look back and give him a "What the hell do you want?" face. He's wearing his Home soccer jersey for the final game tonight and his hair looks freshly cut. I switch my eyes to my drawing paper and keep them glued there for the rest of class.

When the bell rings, Logan is too distracted by his anxiety to escort me out of class. Without him by my side, Ben easily catches up to me.

"Can we please talk?" he asks. His eyes are bloodshot.

"I don't really have anything I want to talk about." I try to get past him.

He puts his arm out to block me. "I need to say something."

I pop my hip out and cross my arms, waiting.

He combs his fingers through his hair and takes a deep breath. "Your brothers told me what happened between you and that guy at the mall."

A shiver rushes through me.

"I felt like a complete jackass." He frowns. "The truth is, I haven't stopped thinking about you. I could not stop crying after you left my house." He cringes at his own statement. "I've really missed you."

"Oh yeah?" I snap. "Did you miss me while you were out partying last weekend?"

Ben looks taken aback. "I didn't even wanna to go that—Fred talked me into it. He's my friend, he wanted to make sure I was okay. But I wasn't, so I left like twenty minutes after I got there."

I can't deny that it makes me feel good to hear. "Really?"

"Yes." He gives me a hopeful smile. "Do you think that you could ever forgive me? I'd really like to try this again." He inches very close to my face and waits for me to respond.

My heart is pounding. Yes! Yes! My head screams. But it feels foolish to give in so quickly. We both hurt each other. What if we hurt each other again?

"I need some time to think," I say. "And you've got an important game to prepare for. Why don't I text you sometime, okay?"

"Okay. Can I give you a hug at least?"

I nod my head and he pulls me in. It feels so good to be back in his arms. He whispers he loves me. I want to say it back, but I don't.

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Thank you to everyone reading. There's one more chapter left! 

-KP