White Teeth Teens

16. The Session

"This week sucked," I tell Dr. Moran on Thursday.

I've been taking my "as needed" pill for the past two days to help me relax but instead it turned me into a zombie and I got yelled at twice by teachers for resting my head on the desk.

I tell Dr. Moran about my driving test and how I got Logan grounded. Then I tell her about Ben and how he lied to me.

"You weren't kidding," she says. "Which do you want to talk about first?"

"I dunno..."

She's quiet for a bit, pressing her lips together. "Which one has been on your mind the most? How about we start with that?"

I look up at the ceiling and open my mouth to say this but close it again. Dr. Moran does this thing where she doesn't press me to answer but she doesn't change the subject, she just plays the silent game with me until I give up.

"I guess Logan smoking. Well, Logan and Ben smoking."

"And why do you think it bothers you?"

"It's illegal. And it's bad for you. And... it smells horrible."

"So you don't want your brother doing it because it's illegal. Does that count for alcohol as well?"

"Yeah. Well, no." My cheeks feel hot. "It's different."

She asks me how it's different and I tell her about Ben's brother.

"People abuse alcohol too," she says. "There are many factors that contribute to this type of lifestyle you're worried your brother could get into. But he clearly has people that care about him and support him. The truth is, and I probably shouldn't be saying this but I will—experimenting with marijuana and alcohol is a normal part of teenage life. Yes, it's illegal of course, but many if not all teenagers try it. And I definitely shouldn't be telling you this but I smoked a lot of marijuana when I was in high school. A looooot." Dr. Moran moves her hand across the space in front of her to emphasize.

I can't help but smile. It feels like I'm peaking behind the curtain. 

"Does that help?" Dr. Moran asks.

"Yeah. But—" I bite my lip. "It's not actually about the consequences. I think I just tell myself that..."

She motions for me to continue my thought.

"Logan said it's about me. And I think he's right."

"You in what way?"

"I can't stop thinking about that night." I know she knows what night I'm talking about.

"Ah." She uncrosses her legs and grabs the clipboard on the table in front of her. She starts scribbling things down on it. "You're making my job easy, Rory. It's a very astute observation you've made. Do you want to work through it aloud?"

"I guess..." My mind immediately goes to Jess's living room. The little baggy of greenery. Jess's brother sprinkling the greenery into a thin white piece of paper. "The smell. Maybe it's a trigger?"

"I think you might be putting blame onto marijuana, but it's just a 'thing'." Dr. Moran holds out her open hand. "It doesn't have a mind of its own. It's not inherently good or bad, it just is."

I sniffle. "I'm to blame."

"No. Remember what we talked about? You are not to blame. None of this is your fault."

I preemptively wipe a tear from my eye.

"And what happened that night shouldn't stop you from living your life. Being a teenager. Hanging out with friends, going on dates." She narrows her eyes at me.

"I feel like I've been robbed of a normal life," I say. "He took it from me." I won't ever say Jess's brother's name.

"He cannot take something without your permission. The more you tell yourself that he robbed you of things, the more power you're giving him. Little by little we're going to work on taking his power away, right? The more you focus on your hobbies and your friends and your family, the more you focus on positive things in your life, the easier it will be for you to heal. But it will take time. And work."

I nod my head.

"I'm glad you came back to see me, Rory." Dr. Moran smiles. "Remember the homework I assigned last time?"

"Yeah. Sorry, I didn't do it." There's no way I could've had a heart to heart with Logan.

"That's okay. Why don't you try again? And I think you should talk to Ben too. He lied to you for a reason, you deserve to know why."

#

Completing my homework assignment is going to be a difficult feat, but I know the second best thing. On the drive home from Dr. Moran's I text Liz.

Me: Hey I need to skip PAWS tomorrow and I need you to skip too bc I need help with something

Liz: With what?

Me: A party at my house

"Who're you talking to?" Dad asks, peeking over at me. I lock my phone and look at Dad with Bambi eyes. "Oh boy."

"What's the grounds for Logan's uh, grounding?"

He frowns. "Um well, he's not allowed to go out. Only school."

"I see." I flip my phone around in my palms and take a breath. "Can I have friends over this weekend? Like a bunch of friends? Basically I'm asking if I can have a party."

Dad laughs. "No, I don't think so."

"But why?" I whine. "Dad. I messed up. I did something that siblings aren't supposed to do to one another and I need to make it right. You won't let Logan leave the house, but he needs to shoot this party scene for his music video—"

"Mhmm," Dad says.

"And so why not shoot it at our house? I promise I'll make sure no one brings alcohol. It won't get crazy. We'll just be acting, okay? Think of our house like a movie set!"

Dad doesn't say anything.

"Oh and you, Mom, and Colin need to get lost for a few hours." I bat my eyelashes.

He scrunches his nose. "I'll talk to your mother," he says. I pump my fist and cheer silently because I know that's code for "Yes".