One Tough Cloaca

Chapter 1

[Author's note: This is the first chapter of an adventure-comedy Mass Effect fanfiction serial featuring the Special Tasks Group's Major Kirrahe. It takes place on the asari-run planet of Illium between the events of the first and second Mass Effect games, just prior to Commander Shepard's revival. Aside from Kirrahe, it will feature mostly original characters though some familiar faces will pop up in cameo roles. The character of Solik Vass is not an original creation, but a minor character from the third game that I've decided to turn into Kirrahe's sidekick. Special thanks to my beta readers Lara Jayd & Magpie Corvidae and to Re Lupa for her wonderful poster art for this story]

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Illium Entertainment News Update- 6th Dimension Vids Studios has made an estimated seven-figure payment to the Systems Alliance for the exclusive rights to film its navy's official account of the raid on disgraced former Spectre Saren Arterius' krogan cloning facility on Virmire. The arrangement was unusual in that most declassified reports by the Systems Alliance Navy are public domain but the Virmire report was copyrighted at the insistence of Alliance ambassador Donnel Udina. In a statement Udina said he was pleased that the studio and the Alliance were able reach an agreement and thanked 6th Dimension Vids for giving him an executive producer credit in the forthcoming adaptation.

Solik Vass groaned as he looked up at the Nos Astra spaceport chronometer and realized he had been waiting for more than three hours for his pickup. For most species such a wait would be tedious enough but for the lanky, olive-skinned teenager it was agonizing. With a lifespan of just 40 years, salarians sought to be as active as possible to make up for their limited time. Among Vass' people there was no greater insult than being called "idle." And yet that was exactly what he had been for the better part of the afternoon.

It certainly wasn't what he had expected a month ago when he learned he had snagged an internship on the planet Illium at 6th Dimension Vids, one of the three biggest studios in the galaxy. And not just any internship - He would be working on the set the next film featuring hanar superstar Blasto! 6th Dimension Vids had made headlines when outbid all other studios for the exclusive rights to the amazing true story of how the Council's first human Spectre had stopped a rogue agent named Saren Arterius from nearly seizing control of the Citadel, the seat of the galactic government. "Blasto: The Hunt for Saren," the first half of a planned two-part vid, was the most anticipated release of the year. Vass would be right there as it was made. He had been the envy of everyone at his school.

They wouldn't be so envious if they could see him now, Vass thought. The irony of it was that Vass had already tempered his expectations. Though young, he was not naïve. He knew an intern wouldn't be hanging out with Blasto or any of the top-tier actors signed to the vid. But he was hopeful that he would be put to work assisting the cinematographers, the special effects team, the editors or any of the other behind-the-scenes folks that were responsible for the actual on-vid magic. He wanted to learn the craft of making vids while at their elbow – or whatever was their species' equivalent of an elbow. It would be the first step in the process that would someday let him become a famous director.

That hadn't happened. Instead, Vass had spent the last month running errands for people in the producers' office: fetching hot beverages, picking up clothes from the tailors and chauffeuring people around in a company skycar, like he was waiting to do now at the main spaceport in Illium's capitol city. The only thing Vass was learning about the vid industry was that at the entry level it was indistinguishable from any other job.

Still, at least this wasn't as bad one of his other occasional tasks: escorting groupies to Blasto's trailer. As if that wasn't unpleasant enough by itself, the last time he ended up getting chewed out by an executive producer when he made a "serious mistake." That just wasn't fair, Vass thought to himself. Only a hanar can tell the gender of another hanar, so how was he supposed to have known? And, honestly, if Blasto himself didn't notice until a half hour after the groupie had entered his trailer, then that's on him.