Shine Again

Shine Again - Chapter 1

Chapter ONE

"Addison," my aunt Caroline said softly, touching my shoulder.

I pulled my body away from her touch. The hospital was too cold, my sweater wasn't even helping. I shivered, looking away from where my aunt was sitting, to my left.

   I'd been there for ten hours, which felt like weeks and mere moments at the same time. Miss Kimberly had walked me in, brought me up to the desk and told the nurses who I was. It felt so surreal, me, there, still in my dance clothes. The nurses, looking at me with so much pity. Miss Kimberly stayed until my aunt arrived, but I didn't feel any better with her there. She was my mom's younger sister, who lived a few hours away. We'd been close, once. But she looked too much like my mom. She even talked like her.

   "Addison, I know you don't want to talk, and that's okay -"

   "It's okay?" I snapped. "I have to decide if the doctors should keep trying to bring my little brother back, because he keeps crashing. I haven't slept, it's 6A.M., and my parents are dead."

   I still couldn't bring myself to look at her, but now I knew she was crying. She'd been crying off and on since she'd arrived and been told that her sister and brother and in law had both died, and her nephew was barely hanging on.

   "You're right, it's not okay," she whispered.

   That was when it hit me that this wasn't just about me. It was her family, too. I hadn't thought about anything else since I'd been at the hospital, and I hadn't let myself feel, at all. It was just a bad nightmare that I wanted to wake up from.

   I glanced at her, just for a second. Her hair was a bit darker than my mom's, and I hadn't seen her in awhile, likely since Christmas. But my heart sank, because she was hurting too. And I'd been horrible to her, since she arrived, in a panic.

   "I just... it doesn't feel like it could be real," I muttered, looking back down at my hands.

   She sighed, loudly. "I know. It doesn't. But I'm here, so let me be here for you."

   I gave her a slight nod, but it was all I could give.

   An hour later, I had just dozed off in that hard, plastic chair, when a doctor rushed towards us. We were in the waiting room for the ICU, and I'd only slept maybe thirty minutes all night. It was morning, now. This doctor was young, thin and one I hadn't seen yet. His cheek bones were distracting.

   "Addison," he began, like we were old pals. "I'm Dr. Watson, a cardiac surgeon. Taylor is going to need another surgery, to repair an artery near his heart. This will keep him alive... but we still don't know if he'll wake up. His body has been through a lot."

   I sucked in a breath, but it felt trapped, somewhere. My aunt squeezed my arm, beside me. My stomach growled, and my brain felt foggy.

   "I..." I began, but stopped. How could I make this decision?

   "What are the chances that he'll come out of this?" Caroline asked, somehow reading my mind.

   "Right now, it's not high. We were hoping another day and night might give us better news, but his heart is really working too hard... the surgery is necessary, if you wish for us to keep him alive, to see if he'll wake up-"

   "So, he's probably going to die?" I asked, barely comprehending the words. "He's twelve."

   "I know, I'm so sorry," Dr. Watson said, quietly. "I can come back, to give you some time to think about it. And I'll get a nurse to bring you back to see him."

   Finally, I took in a real, deep breath. "No. I mean, I don't need time. I don't think we should do the surgery. I think... we should let him go."

   "Addison." My aunt's voice sounded horrified. Shocked.

   I turned to her. "I don't want him to suffer through this anymore."

   Dr. Watts cleared his throat, so we turned our attention back to him. "He could hang on a few more days, but he also might not make it out of the surgery. It's really-"

   "I just want to see him," I interrupted, shaking my head.

   The room smelled so sterile, it burned my nose as I walked in. I hadn't gotten to see my parents. Mom had barely made it to the hospital alive and dad had died in surgery, when they tried to repair the massive injuries to his chest and abdomen. This is what an E.R. doctor told me, shortly after I'd arrived at the medical center, the previous evening.

   My little brother was barely recognizable, there in that hospital bed. Tubes, wires, bandages, machines. He didn't look alive, really. Somehow I knew that he wasn't going to be okay. Aunt Caroline was sobbing, immediately after she saw him. I was numb. I just couldn't feel anything.

   "God, please," she said, to no one.

   I walked close to the bed, to Taylor. Once I was close enough, I reached over to touch his cheek. He was cold, and pale.

   "Taylor, it's okay, buddy. I love you so much," I began, only looking at him. "I know you're trying to hold on, but it's okay. Mom and dad are... you'll be with them."

   My aunt let out a wail and excused herself from the room. I had to hold it together, because what other choice did I have? I grabbed my brother's hand, holding it tightly for a few minutes. I wanted him to know that I was there, with him.

   "I'm here, Taylor. It's okay."

   I sat there beside his bed for two hours. The only sounds were the beeping machines and the nurses who were in and out. I tried to avoid their knowing looks. I just tried to focus on my brother, though somehow I knew it was just his body there, now. Finally, I squeezed his hand again and leaned in to kiss his head, knowing I would never see him again.

   I cried as I left that room, a feeling of complete and utter loss taking over my body. The nurses that passed by me each gave me a hug, or touched me carefully. Still, I held it together, somewhat. My aunt was waiting for me, just outside the ICU.

   "I'm sorry, I just couldn't-" she started, standing up when she saw me.

   "I know. It's..." My face was still wet from the tears, but I took in a deep breath.

   And then she was hugging me, so tightly that I felt like I couldn't breathe. But I didn't care, because I needed that hug, and I needed to feel like there was someone who understood what was happening to me.

   The hospital called her cell phone two hours later, after we'd gone back to the hotel to try to sleep. I'd been laying awake, staring at the ceiling, waiting. She'd been snoring, but jumped up as the ringing started. They told her that my little brother had died. I heard it through the phone, across the room.

   I'm sorry, Taylor passed away fifteen minutes ago.

   I knew it was coming, but suddenly the shock was gone, and the numbness had subsided and everything hit me all at once. I screamed out, then cried for so long that I felt empty inside. My Aunt stayed close, sobbing off and on. When I finally fell asleep, it was so very obvious nothing would ever be the same again.