Shine Again

Shine Again - Chapter 5

Chapter FIVE

Summer school was not the worst thing ever, I concluded by the end of that week. I only had to spend three hours each day at the school, with a bit of homework each night. I only really interacted with my teachers, but I was okay with that. Each class had five to ten students, and they all knew each other, were already friends, etc. I was the new kid. Miller Fontane and his crew were in two of my other classes, so they obviously needed the same courses I did. But we had missed out on them for different reasons. I didn't need distractions now, so I didn't mind that they basically gave up trying to talk to me after the second day.

   It was Saturday morning when my phone rang. I'd finished a whole week of summer school without any issues. I'd spent the night before - Friday evening - alone in my bedroom, reading a book about star crossed lovers in the 1800's. I found the book on my aunt's bookshelf in the living room and somehow finished it in just a few hours.   

   Those days, only Aunt Caroline called me, and even that was rare. She would call to tell me she'd be home late, or to ask if I needed anything on the way home. But she was in the kitchen, sipping coffee on her day off, so I was confused as to who would be calling my cell phone.

   The caller ID said Isabelle, when I glanced at it, which made my heart drop into my stomach. I missed her with everything I had in me, but I'd pushed her away. We hadn't talked in weeks, and before that it was sparce.

   "Hello?" I answered, dropping my body onto the soft sofa.

   "Addison." Her voice sounded so unsure. "Hey."

   "Hey," I repeated, as if we did this all the time.

   She sighed. "Um, how are you?"

   Isabelle had tried to keep in touch. She had invited me to parties and get togethers and she'd called, daily, for awhile. She didn't want us to lose touch, or stop being friends with me. But I'd made it hard. Awkward. I hated that she had given up on me, but it was my fault.

   "I'm..." But how was I? Certainly not good. "Okay."

   Suddenly she was sobbing, with no warning whatsoever. "God, Addi, I miss you so much."

   I took in a breath, but felt frozen. It didn't feel real, that we were talking now, after so long. I didn't know what to say, so I stayed quiet.

   "I'm really sorry that I didn't try harder... my mom suggested that I give you space, when you stopped replying to texts..." she went on.

   I guess, at the time, I had needed space. I'd spent two months in Oak Harbour, rarely leaving the house, besides going to the gallery with my aunt. I barely had conversations with anyone, except my therapist. I didn't feel normal. I was grieving, hard. But now another month had passed. Was I ready to start living my new normal, whatever that was?

   "I know... I was... not easy to talk to," I said, pushing out the words. My heart pounded and my chest ached as I realized I really missed her, too.

  "I get it, Addi. You lost your..." She didn't say the words, thankfully.

   "And I moved away," I finished for her. "It's been... so hard."

   Isabelle sighed again, loudly. "I just wanted to talk to you. I'm so glad you answered."

   I'd been sending every call to voicemail, for weeks. From her, Miss Kimberly, everyone. I knew they just wanted to check in, but it felt easy to ignore it.

   "Yeah, uh, I've missed you, too," I admitted.

   I heard her take in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "So, there's this convention, next weekend -"

   She was still talking, but I stopped listening. It hurt too much to think about the fact that Isabelle and our other dance friends were still in the studio a few times a week, working hard, and doing summer dance conventions. Those are the things I was supposed to be doing. They were continuing on with the life that I was supposed to have. Now my ears were ringing and I realized she was giving me details about the convention.

   "I can't," I said, sternly.

   "There's a space for you, I called to check -"

   "Isabelle, no. I can't," I said again, then held my breath.

   "You don't want to?" she wanted to know, and it sounded like she was just in disbelief.

   "I have summer school classes, I have to pass them all, and..." I just wanted her to accept the fact that I wasn't going to go to a dance convention with her.

   "It's the DanceUp convention," she went on, like this made a difference. "It'll be so fun."

   "I don't have a way to pay for it, Isabelle," I finally admitted. It wasn't the only reason I couldn't go, but it was definitely part of it.

   I heard her suck in a sharp breath now, realizing what I meant. It wasn't as simple as just going with her. I had to register and pay for it. Caroline and I hadn't talked about dance, not once. I talked little about it with my therapist, but she mostly stopped when I got upset. Which was every time I talked about it. Of course I wanted to dance. But I didn't know how.

   "Oh, Addi. I'll see what my mom says... maybe she can-"

   I knew where this was going. Isabelle's parents owned a brewery and had lots of money. But there was no way I was letting them pay for me, even if I'd wanted to go.

   "I haven't danced, Isabelle," I spat out, wishing I didn't have to. "At all. Since that night."

   "Oh." There it was. Shock. Embarrassment. Confusion. All in one word.

   My parents and my little brother died. That was who I was now. It was my identity - the girl with no family. The "new girl". I wasn't The Dancer, or even a dancer, not anymore.

   And now that Isabelle - my very best friend - knew that I hadn't danced since the accident, I felt shame. She wouldn't understand that I couldn't dance. It didn't feel right. How could I let myself do something that made me feel good and happy, after my family was taken from this earth. It wasn't fair.

   "Thanks for calling, really," I said, changing the subject. I didn't want to dwell on the fact that I hadn't danced in three months. "And for... inviting me. But I'm not ready."

   "Okay, yeah. I'm so sorry, Addi," Isabelle finished, and I could hear the pain in her voice.

   I nodded, even though she couldn't see me, then sighed, before ending the call.