Midnight Thought's

Safety

She was sitting on her bed alone. And that's how she felt. Alone. All her friends were somewhere else. She had three best friends. One of them lived in a nearby city. But since she had no drivers license, visiting her friend was tough and it took some planing. The other two lived on the other sides of the country, one south, the other one west. They had just finished a group call. They were talking all morning. But after all that talking, laughing and escalating over their favourite band, one of them had to work. So they made an agreement to meet up online at the evening when the eldest of them had finished her shift. But... Somehow she didn't want to. Of course she missed her girls. They were her big sisters at heart and soul. They had her back. And, being the youngest in the group, she always feels safe with them. But at the same time, whenever they end a call she felt more alone than ever. If she could she would hanging out with her friends all day. But she also needed some hours for herself per day. And she felt bad for that. At the same time she was aware that she needed to listen to herself to become healthy again. Hey psychology was messed up. One second she could be the happiest child on earth. But then, just at the next moment, she felt the exact opposite: alone, desperate, helpless. She knew that her constant back and forth was problematic for other people abd she didn't want to do that to her sisters. She has lost a lot of people because her messed up head. She wouldn't be able to recover from one of the three girls leaving her for something she felt absolutely helpless about herself. She hated that side on herself. She didn't want to be like that. So far, the others had put up with he shit. But how long until they realized that they couldn't bear her anymore? She couldn't even stand herself at the moment, so how should anyone else? Her constant yes/no switcheroos were exhausting. For herself and her friends. She didn't want to force herself on them, at the same time she didn't want to seem like she didn't care about them anymore. Because that wouldn't be true! She loved her girls! They were her soulmates. They were everything good she had. Her one island to escape anything. Her one safe space in this galaxy. And she didn't want to endanger that safety, no matter the cost. But if she would only take care of the older girls, she would break herself. She knew that. And now she was on the verge of tears out of fear. She was angry about that. She came so far in her health only to make several steps back at once. She crawled under her blanket and rolled herself. She closed her eyes. The world around her faded and soon she fell asleep, dreaming of just enjoying life and sharing it with the three most important people in all of her world.