The Trials of Being Loved

Part 16 - Orca Learn Hard Truths

"I had three major problems I was never able to solve on my own, Tay. Instead, I just ignored them. But by not actually dealing with them, they show up in other ways."  New fidgeted. This was harder than he expected. 

Tay was someone he knew, someone he was falling in love with. Someone who had said he loved him!

"So?" Tay didn't look at him, just continued to drink his beer, letting New find his way. 

"So... the first was my sexuality. Do I like boys, or girls or both? Does it matter? When I was younger, it nearly drove me crazy trying to figure it out. I loved kissing both sexes. I become aroused around both, but I wanted men more often. Relationships with girls are fun, but..." He shrugged slightly, words failing him. 

He raised his eyes from his hands, holding on tightly to the can of beer and glanced at Tay. "You were a model too. You know it's not frowned on the same way there. Your sexuality means nothing, or being in a relationship won't make or break your career either."

"New, it won't either if you're an actor. Not if you approach it right."

"That's bullshit. I tried. I tried being open with my friendships, the ones I hoped to develop further. The fans went crazy mad against me." He made a shushing motion. "Let me finish, for that leads in into the second problem."

Tay nodded. Having a clearer understanding of Newwie's thoughts could only help him. He, too, had his scars. 

"I was lonely. All the time, surrounded by people, smiling until my face hurt, but lonely. So depressed that by the time I went home, I wanted to end it all."

Tay dropped his can of beer. It fizzed and foamed, spattering all over the floor as the can rolled. He cursed and jumped up for some paper towel to clean it. "Fuck, New! Don't say something like that!"

"Why not? You wanted me to tell you. It's the truth. That's when I knew I needed help." New was watching the beer run from Tay's efforts to wipe it up, not bothering to move, the closer it got. Was he already buzzed? 

"Because you have family and friends who care and who would miss you! Don't you care about that?" Tay snapped back, irritated at the spill that he just couldn't seem to clean. He was in shock, just not realizing it.

"Of course, I knew it. I told you, I went and got help." New took the paper towel from Tay's hands and wiped the beer, tossing the dirty papers in the trash. He glanced at him and was stunned.

"Why are you crying, Tay?" For he was. He had sat back down as far as he could in the small kitchen area and slow tears leaked from his eyes. The thought that New even CONSIDERED dying as a solution was horrifying to him.

"Don't you EVER say or EVEN think that again, Newwie!" His voice trembled. "I might die too."

"It's not like it happened." He held up his wrists. "See? Nothing. Look, it was just thoughts. I didn't actually act on them. I got help before that." 

"It makes no difference. A thought is as good as a deed." 

New dropped it. Normal people never understood anyway. "Then the death threats started. That's when I really broke. I mean, my brain shattered, as I call it. I stopped sleeping because I saw them everywhere. My fans trying to kill me for being in a relationship."

He shuddered. "Those dreams haunt me, even when I'm awake. Everywhere I go, in crowds, everywhere. I have to smile but I want to scream, STAY AWAY FROM ME! I am so scared of them, my fans."

Tay came close to him, New again had curled up into a small, tight ball. "It's not all of the fans, Newwie. Only a very, very tiny few."

"That's what you don't understand. Logically, I know that. In my brain, it's not." He shook harder. "It's hundreds, even millions of them, all trying to kill me for disappointing them. I'm pathetic!"