dear diary, // minsung

twelve,

1/10/21

Dear diary,

Strap in, grab a snack. This entry is going to be long.

As you know, I like to spend my time getting lost in stories and escaping the Hell called life. I don't do much else, but on occasion, I listen to music. I don't have a specific taste in it because all I do is immerse myself into pages of a book.

Today was a different story though. I was scrolling through YouTube out of pure boredom. I came across the song 'What is Love?' by Twice and I clicked on it out of curiosity.

I have to say it really brought out emotions that I purposely try to keep hidden.

Clearly, the song asks the question of what love is and talks about what they wonder it being like, and I connected to it on another level. As a gay boy, it's so difficult to find love.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm even worthy of it. My options of other gay boys are extremely limited and I end up falling hopelessly for the boys I have no chance with in this lifetime. It's a story of pain and aching for my heart.

I'll ask myself what's wrong with me and why I can't find what everyone desperately wants deep down. That's what I want as well, a fire-like romance. Finally something to make me feel so alive.

I'm not sure if it's obvious but I've never had a boyfriend. I've never had someone tell me they love me under the pretty moonlight. I've never had a boy grab my hand and interlace his fingers with mine. I've never had my hair tucked behind my ear before a kiss so passionate you could hear the fireworks exploding around you. I've never had anything of the sort and I yearn for something like that.

I guess the song made me realize what I'm missing. It made me ask myself the same question: what is love?

As the song played on, I started to cry. It's so hard when you want to find that pure love and your soulmate until you die, but you are different. It's so hard when you see your other friends falling in love and experiencing what you desperately desire. I wish someone could come and sweep me off my feet.

Well someone already did by just existing, but I'm sure he's into girls. He probably doesn't even know who I am.

So here I am, sobbing to you. Crying over an upbeat song with depressing lyrics, because it hit too close to home. You can even see the tear stains on this paper.

If there's any God up there listening, please send me someone. Someone who'll love me for who I am, and someone who will not be ashamed to love me. I long to experience love. I'm losing hope. I'm starting to believe I'm unloveable.

A few more tears stained the paper.

Minho could feel the pain radiating off the pages. Almost as if he could relate to every emotion the boy felt. Minho desperately wished he could comfort the boy and tell him he knows his pain and he relates to him. That he's okay and he's worth loving.

Minho let out a small sob and covered his eyes that poured out tears. He tried to hide himself to shade his embarrassment, although he was alone. The poor boy must've felt so alone lately. The date of his entry was merely a month ago. What if this unsettling feeling grew for the boy? Does he still feel this way and possibly worse?

God, did Minho wish he could whisper sweet nothings in his ear and show him how worthy he is.

Minho sniffled and wiped his eyes. He feels like he's grown an attachment to the diary owner without even knowing their identity. Their beautiful personality was plastered in this little book, and it's like Minho grew to love him. There has been a little war inside Minho's head whether he really loves him, despite not knowing who he is. However after reading the entry of today, Minho couldn't help but want to love him and shower him in appreciation.

I wish I could show him how worthy he is of finding true love.

Wait him.

They're a he!

Minho grabbed a pen, and scrambled around his bedroom to find his hidden list of names he's been keeping the past couple of weeks. He tripped over his laces and stumbled a bit before running to his drawers. Minho tossed out every item kept away in the drawer before finally digging out his list of names.

Minho laid on his carpet floor and opened up the folded paper. He clicked his pen and began to scribble out every female name and straight boy he could find.

That entry just gave him a very big clue.

—-

Dear document,

That's still so odd for me to type.

I've been frustrated for a while. It's just gotten recently worse.

I've had a crush on Minho for a while now. I was perfectly fine being in the shadows and watching him from afar. I was okay with him not knowing of my existence. I mean, who really does? I'm just Jisung, I'm no one special.

But now that Minho really does know my identity, I'm scared. I'm entirely upset. You would think that anyone would feel joyful that their crush knows who they are, knows what they look like, and talks to them. I've got all 3 now. But to be honest, I'm terrified.

I knew Minho didn't like me because he didn't even recognize my name. He wouldn't spare a glance in my direction. Now he talks to me quite often. He's an oddball, which made me fall even more for him. I don't know what his deal is, but it's alright with me.

He seems so anxious around me though. Does he not like me much? Maybe I irritate him and he's trying to find a way to get out of speaking to me? I always try to be bold by talking to him first ever since our first interaction...maybe he wishes to not speak to me?

The thing about him not knowing me is that I know he won't like me because my existence isn't on his radar. I didn't have a chance, because it's not like he knew me. And I was okay with that. I could live.

But now, he does know me, and if he doesn't like me that way, it's because of me. It's because of my personality, or my facial features, or even these hideous glasses. Is it possibly because I'm annoying? I don't think I can handle the heartbreak if he doesn't feel the same.

Hell, he probably doesn't even like boys. I don't blame him if I'm one of his only options with boys.

I'm falling harder for him. It's getting difficult to manage. I thought I could be bold and talk to him normally, but I still end up flustered and even more of a mess than I was before. I still end up awkward. I don't want to fall apart under his distasteful gaze the minute he finds out how I feel about him.

Should I even bother continuing to pursue someone that's possibly so out of reach?

~~~

I'm sorry for making a sad chapter ahaha

Maybe Minho will FINALLY get a clue :D