dear diary, // minsung

twenty one,

Dear document,

The past couple days are packed with all these events that my brain feels extremely bamboozled. It's like something inside Minho hyung clicked, or switched, I'm not exactly too sure what.

Minho's been acting extremely attentive to me. He's also purposely trying to get closer to me from what it seems, but I really can't muster up a clue as to why.

The other day in class, Ms. Young assigned a project to write about a different person after getting to know them, and she stated that we could choose our own partners. Minho immediately raised his hand and chose me! I mean, why me? I'm only Jisung, I'm not very important in the grand scheme of things.

I was very shocked to say the least. Everything in my body was screaming and running around, as if I was being chased by an unknown presence, yet my body was completely frozen as if I was glued to my spot. Everyone was looking at me as if I've gone completely mad over someone choosing me as their partner. They don't know how much significance Minho hyung holds in my heart at the moment.

The only reason I could truly find realistic was that he knows I'm a good student in writing class. I don't know how he'd know that, but maybe I make things obvious about how much I enjoy the course.

I mean why else would he do that? There's nothing really special about me.

Somehow, he had access to my phone number too. Maybe Hyunjin gave it to him?

Wait I'm stupid. I gave Minho my phone number.

My brain overthinks things and suddenly the memories of reality vanish from my mind.

Minho hyung asked me to hang out with him today, and my heart was suddenly running a marathon with an infinite finish line. We'd never hung out outside of school before, besides the time we both happened to be at the cafe. If it weren't for Seungmin dragging me to greet him, I would've walked the other direction. He willingly wanted to spend time with me, and my brain suddenly couldn't function anymore. So many responses were thrown around left and right, yet I couldn't find the perfect one.

Minho only wanted to hang out with me for the project. Although I wish it were the sole purpose to be with me, the realistic option remains true.

I did think it was extremely odd that he wanted to hang out in a library. You don't see me complaining about hanging out in a library! I'm overjoyed that he even suggested it, but Minho hyung never seemed all that into reading. I don't know if I've ever seen him read on his own besides a textbook and passages meant for homework. Maybe he's that attentive to my interests? It's a little silly to think of though. I know I must sound like a broken record, but why would he? I've always blended in with the crowd. It's as if my shirts always matched the colors of the walls and my steps were never loud enough to echo the halls.

Someone as perfect as Lee Minho doesn't need to be paying any mind to someone as me.

Sorry doc, I'm straying off topic.

I show up to the library, and Minho's already there, yet he doesn't have any paper or pencil. I thought that maybe he would be typing everything on the notepad of his phone or that he had his backpack hidden away underneath his seat. But once I got closer, he had nothing but his phone and some spare cash.

I ignored the minor detail and I asked him why he chose a library. He told me he notices I read a lot so he figured I'd like a library! I swear I think that the more I really get to know Minho and what he's truly like, I fall even deeper for him. It's even more magical than the fantasies that would always replay in my mind, a figment of my imagination I never thought would be reality.

It made me really feel like I could be special to someone.

I even noticed that when I talked about myself, he never wrote anything down. It didn't matter how broad or distinct the topic was, Minho never wrote anything down, yet he would always follow up on whether he was correct about what I liked and disliked, past experiences, my talents and lack of other talents. He genuinely looked invested in what I had to say. It made me feel really warm and fuzzy like I was being engulfed in a blanket.

I told Seungmin and Hyunjin both about today's events. Seungmin thinks that Minho hyung has extremely good memory and picks up on little details. Hyunjin thinks he might be a stalker. Two very different, but plausible, approaches to the situation. However, both Seungmin and Hyunjin think Minho likes me too.

I don't know how they came to that conclusion. Maybe because they're together now they share some sort of mindset.

As much as I want to believe them, I don't want to give myself the hope that will linger. I would get my hopes up, thinking I have the slightest of chances, when in reality, it's just fictional. It will feel like it was right before my eyes, but none of it was real.

I'm scared to gain hope, because my crushes have never gotten this far, this up close and personal. Every guy I've liked was always straight or homophobic. I never confessed, but I would watch from afar, like I always had been, and I got over them silently. This wasn't the case with Minho, and I've never felt this strongly for someone in my life.

Every moment I have with Minho hyung makes me fall for him deeper and deeper. Hearing his voice call my name lures me into some spell or trance I can't break whenever he's around. It's like my brain becomes foggy on how to react and respond to his every move. Although I'll feel confident to talk to him, deep down I am shaking from the anxiety, but my heart led me to believe there was a sliver of hope that Minho wouldn't turn me away. Minho did no such thing.

Minho hyung makes me feel significant. He makes me feel like I'm worth getting to know and I, myself, am very special. When I'm alone, I can never stop thinking about how I am not very important, but Minho hyung makes me not think that way when I'm around him. I don't understand how he can have that affect on me. I don't like that affect on me.

It's giving me thoughts that there's a chance when there's probably none. Minho probably isn't gay. There are so many girls around school who want him because of how handsome he is, and all of them are absolutely stunning in their own way. Why choose me out of the many fish who want him, who could be better options?

When I'm near him, my heart is crying to stay with him, and I'm terrified I'm setting myself up for failure. Should I be distant for the time being? No, I have a project with him, that's not possible. Should I keep a guard up?  I don't know.

I'll keep you updated document. Maybe I won't, it's weird writing without a diary.

~~~