mon ranting book :)

I dont know how to feel (pt.1?)

So today I was with my friends on summer vacation and I realized that maybe all this time i was in denial about being depressed. Like i dont feel like i am, but I get bored easily, and i like staying inside alone instead of going out with them and do things in another country with them. I feel like I'm content with my life, you know? Like i don't hate it and i love who i am and my personality and all that, i like who i am when I'm alone by myself, but then i feel the need to change in front of other people, but i dont even think or realize that I'm not acting like myself until I'm alone again and think about my actions from the day.

I just dont have much motivation, like i do when i go by myself and do what i want to do, but when it is with other people, i just do what they want because i dont want to do some things with them, or I'm afraid that if i tell them what i want to do, they'll say that they dont want too and I'll be left feeling left out.

It's really weird because i just dont want to be like that and i want people to understand me, but they dont. They think I'm the bad guy when it comes to my actions towards my mom, but they haven't seen how she was with me while i was growing up, or how she can be when i do pay attention to her, or how she gets with other people she feels that are inferior to her. It's just so toxic. And I'm left looking like the brat daughter that doesnt know how to be grateful... it just sucks to know they probably will never understand and will always think of you that way.

I know there's people like that all around the world and also that i do have some people that kind of understand, but it makes me feel sad and rejected knowing that some of the most important people in my life will never get it. But the thing is i also won't explain much because i dont like acting like the victim or make them pity me. It's not that bad but still. I also dont like sharing too much or talking about me at all, but when i try to explain a little, they think I'm exaggerating and making it up just because that's my point of view, but that's not how it really is. I know that also is not a very healthy friendship, but some people are just not understanding enough because they live in their little world were problems like this just can't happen to me specifically.

I really dont know how i feel or if ill ever be happy with a healthy environment, but i do know that maybe its time to stop denying what i knew was starting to become true, i dont know if its depression or what it is, but i know I'm not happy, and just because I'm content with my life (when I'm alone or doing what makes me feel a little bit happy or something close to that) it doesnt mean that it cant improve or i cant be sad and upset about how everything is working out.