cuts

Stop Chris! please.

I stood there in the bathroom, The door locked saying over and over again,"Taylor Im sorry. Im so sorry." It was 2– no, 3:00 in the morning. My back was to the sink and I was sitting on the floor, feet up against the door.

I thought I woke up Taylor, because I could hear him shuffle and mumble "Chris?" As soon as he realized I wasn't there, he jumped up and ran through the apartment, not taking long to find out I was in here.

He bumped against the door, hearing my mumbles. He cried" Chris don't! Please! This isn't helping at all!" The last part I knew he was bent down and leaning his head against the door. He sighed gently , he said."Chris I love you and I don't want you to hurt yourself anymore. Okay?"

I didn't respond. Only mumbling "So sorry" one more time before bringing the razor to my arm and slowly slid it across my wrist before bringing it lower and doing it again. I repeated this process cutting between words." Taylor" cut." I'm sorry" cut. " I'm sorry" cut. cut. cut.

I only winced at the pain, but watched the blood ooze out like it was some sort of work of art. As Im doing this, Taylor gently knocks on the door as if he was trying to lure a toddler out of a closet.
"Chris don't! Please... this isn't going to help. Please let me in."

I brought the rasor to my next arm and started. Before I could do more than three, Taylor threw himself at the door, knocking it open. He bent down , worried. I looked up at him confused. Shouldn't he be yelling at me? Screaming that I am not only hurting myself, but him too?  Why does he still deal with me?

Why does he stay?
He immediately picks me up and places me on the counter. I shiver from the coolness of the countertop on the skin of my legs. Taylor gathers supplies to help me with my mistake.

"Do you still love me?" Taylor asks while covering my arms in bandages. " Yes I just-"

" You just what Chris? You just thought that I would be okay with you rubbing a razor into your skin all the time? You just thought 'Oh let me see how far I have to go before I make Taylor have to be by my side all the time when I was never there for him!'''

I look at Taylor like he just dropkicked a baby. " Is that how you feel about me?" He looked down in guilty anger. " Im sorry Chris , but its true. Everyday, I pray that I won't go into tithe bathroom to find a gun pointed to your head. Or an empty pill bottle in your hand. Or a bloody razor. It scares me, Chris.

" Do you love me" I heard him ask calmly. " You know what Taylor, I don't know okay? I don't know whether I should swallow all of my pills one day. Or shoot myself. Or cut myself untill I bleed out and die. I DON'T KNOW!" I stormed off. " Chris don't say that!" He runs after me and grips my hand tightly, giving it a little squeeze. " Get off me." I say sternly.

" Don't say that. Chris I--"
"Get off! Please." I melt into the wall next to me as I plead for him to release his grasp.
He stares in shock. "Do you love me?" Taylor asks one more time before I released my hand from his grip. "I don't know anymore."