Should I Stay?

Chapter 17

I'm back where I started. Back in the ICU.

I've been sitting here all along, too tired to move. I wish I could go to sleep. I wish there was some kind of escape for me, or at least something to make the world shut up.

I want to be like my body, quiet and lifeless, putty in someone else's hands. I don't have the energy for this decision. I don't want this anymore.

I say it out loud. I don't want this.

I look around the ICU, feeling kind of ridiculous. I doubt all the other messed-up people in this hospital are exactly thrilled to be here, either.

My body wasn't gone from the ICU for too long. A few hours for surgery. Some time in the recovery room. I don't know exactly what's happened to me, and for the first time today, I don't really care. I shouldn't have to care. I shouldn't have to work this hard. I realize now that dying is easy. Living is hard.

I'm back on the ventilator, and once again there's tape over my eyes. I still don't understand the tape. I mean, are the doctors afraid that I'll wake up mid-surgery and be horrified by the scalpels or blood? As if those things could faze me now.

Two nurses, the one assigned to me and Nurse Ramirez, come over to my bed and check all my monitors. Nurse Ramirez looks like an entirely different person from the one who arrived here yesterday afternoon. The makeup has all rubbed off and her hair is flat. She looks like she could sleep standing up. Her shift must be over soon. I'll miss her but I'm glad she'll be able to get away from me, from this place. I'd like to get away, too. I think I will. I think it's just a matter of time- of figuring out how to let go.

I haven't been back in my bed for fifteen minutes when Diana shows up.

She marches through the double doors and goes to speak to the one nurse behind the desk. I don't hear what she says, but I hear her tone: it's polite, soft-spoken, but leaving no room for questions. When she leaves the room a few minutes later, there's a change in the air. Diana's in charge now.

The grumpy nurse at first looks pissed off, like Who is this woman to tell me what to do? But then she seems to resign, to throw her hands up in surrender. It's been a crazy night. The shift is almost over. Why bother? Soon, me and all of my noisy, pushy visitors will be somebody else's problem.

Five minutes later, Diana is back, bringing Gran and Gramps with her. Diana has worked all day and now she is here all night. I know she doesn't get enough sleep on a good day. I used to hear Mom give her tips for getting the baby to sleep through the night.

I'm not sure who looks worse, me or Gramps. His cheeks are sallow, his skin looks gray and his eyes are bloodshot. Gran, on the other hand, looks just like Gran. No sign of wear and tear on her. It's like exhaustion wouldn't dare mess with her. She bustles right over to my bed.

''You've sure got us on a roller-coaster ride today,'' Gran says lightly. ''Your mom always said she couldn't believe what an easy girl you were and I remember telling her, 'Just wait until she hits puberty.' But you proved me wrong. Even then you were such a breeze. Never gave us any trouble. Never the kind of girl to make my heart race in fear. You made up for a lifetime of that today.''

''Now, now,'' Gramps says, putting a hand on her shoulder.

''Oh, I'm only kidding. Lucy would appreciate it. She's got a sense of humor, no matter how serious she sometimes seems. A wicked sense of humor, this one.''

Gran pulls the chair up next to my bed and starts combing through my hair with her fingers. Gran starts untangling my bangs, which are about chin length. She works her way down, pulling the hair out from under the pillow so it streams down my chest, hiding some of the lines and tubes connected to me. '