Should I Stay?

Chapter 10

I am a little freaked out right now.

Gran and Gramps left a while ago, but I stayed behind here in the ICU. I am sitting in one the chairs, going over their conversation, which was very nice and normal.

Until they left. As Gran and Gramps walked out of the ICU, with me following, Gramps turned to Gran and asked: ''Do you think she decides?''

''Decides what?''

Gramps looked uncomfortable. He shuffled his feet. ''You know? Decides,'' he whispered.

''What are you talking about?'' Gran sounded bitter and broke at the same time.

''I don't know what I'm talking about. You're the one who believes in all the angels.''

''What does that have to do with Lucy?'' Gran asked.

''If they're gone now, but still here, like you believe, what if they want her to join them? What if she wants to join them?''

''It doesn't work like that,'' Gran snapped.

''Oh,'' was all Gramps said.

After they left, I was thinking that one day maybe I'll tell Gran that I never much bought into her theory that birds and such could be people's guardian angels. And now I'm more sure than ever that there's no such thing.

My parents aren't here. They are not holding my hand, or cheering me on. I know them well enough to know that if they could, they would. Maybe not both of them. Maybe Mom would stay with Louis while Dad watched over me. But neither of them is here.

And it's while contemplating this that I think about what the nurse said. She's running the show. And suddenly I understand what Gramps was really asking Gran. He had listened to that nurse, too. He got it before I did.

Should I stay or live? It's all up to me.

All this business about medically comas is just doctor talk. It's not up to the doctors. It's not up to the angels. It's not even up to God who, if He exists, is nowhere around right now. It's up to me.

How am I supposed to decide this? How can I possibly stay without Mom and Dad? How can I leave without Louis? Or Harry?

This is too much. I don't even understand how it all works, why I'm here in the state that I'm in or how to get out of it if I wanted to. If I were to say, I want to wake up, would I wake up right now?

I already tried snapping my heels to find Louis and trying to beam myself to Hawaii, and that didn't work. This seems a whole lot more complicated.

But, I believe it's true. I hear the nurse's words again. I am running the show. Everyone is waiting on me.

I decide. I know this now.

And that terrifies me more than anything else that has happened today.

Where the hell is Harry?

A week before Halloween of my junior year, Harry showed up at my door. He was holding a dress bag and wearing a grin.

"Prepare be drowned in jealousy. I just got the best costume ever,'' he said. He unzipped the bag. Inside was a frilly white shirt, a pair of breeches, and a long wool coat with epaulets.

''You're going to be Seinfeld with the puffy shirt?'' I asked.

''Pff. Seinfeld. And you call yourself a classical musician. I'm going to be Mozart. Wait, you haven't seen the shoes.'' He reached into the bag and pulled out clunky black leather numbers with metal bars across the tops.