Stagehand: Curtain call, five minutes, ladies…
Doris: He wanted to put it where?
Ethel: Me back passage.
Doris: But, Ethel… That’s tiny.
Ethel: I know, that’s what I said, wouldn’t listen though. He gave it a good try and got covered in oil, the silly goose. Told him, to stick it round front.
Doris: What I don’t get is why ‘e didn’t do that in the first place.
Ethel: Well, ‘e was ‘fraid someone would nick it. Doubt anyone in Lambeth would knows how to drive it any’ow.
Doris: They do like their toys. ‘Ere, can you pass us those nipple tassles – the blue ones. So are you seeing him again?
Ethel: Well I don’t know, seems a bit obsessed with wanting to educate me, gave me a dictionary last night.
Doris: Any good?
Ethel: Not really, it keeps changing subject every other line. Nah, don’t think I will see him again. For one thing ‘e’s got his eye on Gladys over at the Imperial.
Doris: Gladys? Thought she went off to sea with that sailor fellow with the beard.
Ethel: She went off to SEE the sailor with the beard, that didn’t last very long at all. She met him round the back of the music hall expecting for him to take her on the town, and he was expecting her to take him right there and then on the floor – are my feathers straight, love?
Doris: Nah, bend over a second I’ll fix it for ya… (Sigh) – Do you ever ask what it’s all about?
Ethel: What, Doris?
Doris: You know… this.
Ethel: You mean the frilly knickers?
Doris: No, I mean… Surely there must be more to life than gettin’ on stage and whirling our bits for the lord and gentry.
Ethel: Oh Doris… ‘ere, stand up and look in the mirror, will ya. What do you see?
Doris: Me left nipple tassle is wonky.
Ethel: Your bottom, Doris!
Doris: Me bottom?
Ethel: Yes, your bottom.
Doris: What about me bottom?
Ethel: It’s a very pretty bottom.
Doris: I don’t see what me bottom has to do with wondering if there is more to life.
Ethel: You ever asked yourself why you have such a pretty bottom?
Doris: I….
Ethel: It’s becasue God wanted you to have that bottom and you were meant to wiggle it. Not just for the lord and gentry, for everyone.
Doris: It is rather pretty, ain’t it?
Ethel: Yes, yes it is, Doris… The prettiest bottom I have ever seen. Every night when we come to the end of our act and I am standing behind you as you bend down — It, well… It, it makes me smile inside.
Doris: Oh, Ethel, that’s the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me, I think I’m going to cry.
Ethel: Don’t cry, remember the crowd, they need to see your bottom smiling.
Doris: And so they shall…..
— 00 —
Stagehand: ‘Ere, what did you say to Doris? She’s been a moody moo-ha all day and now she looks like she’s on top of the world.
Ethel: Well, it was what this gentlemen was telling us last night really. To get to the top, you got start at the bottom.
YOU ARE READING
Gentlemens Spice
HumorSome gentlemen like their sauce, others their relish. Late night tales overheard in the smoking room of the Dead Adventurers Club.
