𝙒𝘼𝙓 𝙎𝙀𝘼𝙇𝙎 𝘼𝙉𝘿 𝘾𝙄𝙂𝘼𝙍𝙀𝙏𝙏𝙀𝙎 - 𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙗𝙪𝙧 𝙨𝙤𝙤𝙩

ix

nine: regret

Vivian,

I wish I had never fallen in love with you.

When things go terribly wrong, often times, some while later, you hear people saying that they wouldn't have had it any other way. That's bullshit. If I could do it all over again, if I had a do-over, I would use it to make sure not to have met you that day. At least that way, my heart wouldn't be burning with devastation and longing at even the slightest mention of your name.

Before I met you, I was lost. I had nowhere to go, no dreams or ambitions. I had nothing to live for but nothing to die for at the same time. I had lost the motivation to even do so much as get out of bed. My life was just a constant loop, the same thing everyday.

You were the one who got me out of that loop and now, it feels like right before your death, you've decided to push me even deeper into it and leave forever. Now that I've lost you, I've lost every desirable part of my life along with you. Your passing has left my existence nothing but a series of meaningless, unanswerable questions: How could you do this to me? How could you leave knowing that this would be the end for me too? Was all of this a joke for you? A mere game?

I wish I had never fallen in love with you. At least that way, maybe I wouldn't have been alive either.

A Deadman Walking,
Wilbur