No Talking, Nor Speaking

xxxvii.

"Jamie?"

"Yeah?"

I hope this conversation doesn't take long, because I don't want the soup to get cold.

"How come you don't eat unless I make you something?"

Oh no.

Please, don't ask.

"Wh-What?"

"Jamie, you don't eat unless I make you something."

I can feel the soup gurgle in my stomach.

I don't feel good.

I have to lie to him.

"I eat other food Kyle, don't worry about me."

Lies.

"Don't bullshit with me, Jamie."

Silence.

Just be silent.

"Jamie?"

Don't say anything.

"Jamie please just tell me, why?"

Don't Jamie.

Don't tell him.

"Jamie! Would you just-"

"Because I can't!"

No.

No.

No.

"You can't? But why-"

Fuck it.

"Because every goddamn time I think of Ky, I lose my appetite! I can't eat or sleep, Kyle! I can't deal with the guilt and the pain of his death on my shoulders! The guilt makes me want to throw up, and imagining his head flying towards the front mirror of the car and tearing off his head-"

"Jamie!"

"Oh God, it's all my fault! Why couldn't I be the one to go?! Why him?! I can't deal with all this guilt, Kyle! I-I.....don't want to live with it anymore. I don't want to live anymore."

"Jamie......"

My breathing is heavy, and I feel like I'm going to faint.

But, then Kyle hugs me close and my head goes into the crook of his neck.

He smells like laundry detergent, and pine.

And now I'm calm.

"It's all my fault, Kyle........all my fault."

"Shhhhhhh, no it's not."

"But it is, Kyle. I made him drive that day. I made him drive me to a friends."

"You didn't know what would happen, Jamie. You didn't know."

"But....but-"

"Shhhhhhh, it's okay. It's going to be alright."

Kyle kisses my forehead.

"Jamie, how about we go to bed."

I look at the clock.

1:04 a.m.

"Okay."

And we go to sleep in my bed.

And we sleep, a deep dreamless sleep.