The Heart of Adoption

Cheering

"Lilly, come down for breakfast. I made your favorite!" I hear my mom yell. I slowly trudge down the stairs, excited for my favorite breakfast, pancakes, but also dreading my parents attempts to make conversation with me. Both my parents are morning people, but I am so spaced out in the morning, its like they are talking to a rock. Actually, a rock might be more appealing to talk to, at least the rock wont snap back at you.

As I arrive at the table, I see the fake smiles plastered on my parents faces. I am sure they hate talking to the rock named Lilly as much as I hate talking to them in the mornings. We sit down and I begin to shove pancakes into my mouth so fast, that there is no time in between, but obviously my parents don't care. "Lilly, how did you sleep?", they begin, as I groaned for the awkward conversation that is bound to follow.

"I slept OK," I replied. They looked at each other, with a look that I didn't recognize. My mom began what seemed to be a extremely rehearsed speech, which isn't like her. She begins "We want you to know that no matter what we will always love you. This is not about a lack of love for you, and we based our decision solely on what we think is best for our family."

My mind is racing. I have heard them fighting some, but could they really be getting a divorce? They have been married for 15 years, that can't be possible, right?

My dad cuts in, "Lilly, we love you very much and this will in no way affect our love for you..."

Here comes the punch.

"We are pregnant!"

Shock races through my body. Its been thirteen years since their last child, my mom is thirty five, and that could be dangerous, right? But more than anything, excitement pulses through my veins! I am going to have a little brother or sister! That lonely spot in my heart will be replaced with a lifetime friend, even if we are 13 years a part.

"You have got to be kidding me?!?" I sort of shout. I see the look of terror cross my parents eyes, and realize they think I am upset. So I quickly add "This is the best day of my life!" I run to my parents and we share a genuine hug, something I hadn't experienced since the loss 2 years ago.

My parents and I were extremely close my entire life. They definitely taught me right from wrong, but they were also like friends to me. We were together whenever possible, and we talked late into the night until we couldn't keep our eyes open. One night they sat me down for a conversation like the one we had this morning. "We're expecting!" they screamed, and the next few months was a blur of decorating, shopping, and doing everything to prepare for this new baby. The day we found out the baby was a boy was one of the best days of my life. The day came for him to come into the world and he came, but he came without a pulse. October 27th, the day that was supposed to be the best day of my life, quickly turned into the worst. It was the day we buried my brother, Christopher Alec. My dream of being a big sister, snatched away from me, opening the void already there.

The grief tore my family apart. My dad turned to alcohol, and lost his job. We lost everything and had to move into an RV. My mom was an emotional wreck, the only time she wasn't crying, she was sleeping. Nothing changed until my parents saw the harm it was doing to me. My dad went into rehab, and came back as the man I remembered, the man I looked up to as a kid. My mom put her life back together, one piece at a time. However, our family was torn apart, and no matter how much you try, the tears will never fully go away. It is hard to forgive the parents that left me to support myself, no matter what they say or do. Our relationship has been torn apart
and maybe this baby will be the miracle that is able to mend it.