It's Just a Mirror Darling

Is It My Fault?

I am the type of person who loves everyone and hates no one. But, there are some people that I dislike but never hate. That's all changed.

I hate myself and my appearance. There are so many things that I can point out and dislike right away. I hate my thighs, stomach, hands, face, and everything else.

The only thing I like about myself are my eyes. My eyes say everything for me. They are green/blue/brown. I don't know the exact color but I always get compliments on them.

I also love my hair. My hair is a dirty blonde/brown. It's really curly but I straighten it everyday to hide the curls.

My best friend Maggie loves my hair and yells at me when I straighten it. She doesn't understand that the only time I don't feel insecure about it is when it's straight as a board.

I know she means well but it's hard not to tell her. I have many secrets she doesn't know. I'm too scared to tell her what I've been hiding...

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I step off the bus after a long day at school and feel relieved when my dads car isn't in the driveway.

My dad abuses me. Ever since my mom passed away 2 months ago he has changed in a majorly horrible way. He drinks, does drugs and smokes everyday. Sometimes I have came home to him passed out with his face in a plate of food.

I can't help but feel disgusted. He doesn't even pay the bills. I have two jobs. One at Target and one at Hollister. I give my aunt the money to put towards our bills because I haven't learned how to do that. I am only just 17.

I'm 17 and I take more responsibility for myself than my own father. "Scumbag." I think out loud as I see the cigarettes and their ashes laying everywhere. There is even crinkled up beer cans laying all over the floor and on the couch.

I miss my mom everyday more and more. It feels like a thousand years that she has been gone. It's only been two months of hell that I've been living in while I am left with my dad.

"Only 7 more months Hayley." I say to my self as I start picking up the mess my father left behind. Seven more months until I get to leave this hell whole. I won't have to stay behind and pick up after my father. Not just his trash but his life as well.

"What the hell are you doing you bitch?!?" I hear someone shout at me in a deep voice. I instantly freeze.

"Turn around you fat slut!" He shouts. Wow that one cut deep. I inch around and see the one person I dread seeing.
My damn father. I don't even like to call him a father. He doesn't deserve that.

I look to my feet. He lunges forward and slaps the bag of his trash on the ground. I just stand there letting him walk all over me. I know I deserve it because I am a horrible daughter. Everything he calls me is true.

"Fucking cunt." He snarls. Why? Why does it have to be me? He furiously walks past me and goes into the kitchen.

He comes out with three cans of beer in his hands and a bag of chips under his arm. "What the fuck are you staring at rat?" He says. I just look down and start my way towards my room.

Is it me? Do I cause him to be filled with anger? Did I cause him to start his horrible addiction? All of these questions swirl through my head and I climb under my covers. I can't help but cry because deep down I know it's my fault.