A Short Account of a Depressing Experience Involving Manic Actions and the Sky

A Short Account of a Depressing Experience Involving Manic Actions and the Sky

1.45am - 3.22am 

13/01/2013 

I wanted to kill myself. 

If you know me, this isn't new.

I finished the goddamned, depressing movie and I just sat there; on my bed, staring at my iPad. And that was when I realised how alone I was. No actually, I had always known how alone I was, but it just required that one little reminder and then BAM! Every figment of loneliness suddenly flooded through me. I glanced to my left where the familiar pile of my habitually pulled out hair lay in a pile. i was repulsed as I looked at the results of one of my self-destructive habits. So I grabbed the pile, twisted it around itself quickly and chucked it in the bin near my bed. My breathing was starting to become too laboured, the first signs that everything wasn't okay.

I began to panic.  

I opened my Skype and saw I only had two contacts, along with that random 'Skype test call'. Two contacts. I was never a 'social butterfly', and the thought of having a face to face video camera conversation with someone crossed the border of total awkwardness for me. Two contacts. One I had just met on Omegle, the other my best friend who lives half a world away. The desperate need to talk to someone was now looming over me.

I stared at the screen some more, willing the thoughts to just leave me.  

But they never leave. 

"Alone," they laughed at me, "you are completely alone."  

At 1.45am I sat there as still as a statue. I turned my head to the side and glared at myself in that mirror on my dresser, already noticing my heated face and puffy eyes. I didn't believe in anyone, especially not myself, and so I was better off alone. I turned away from my disgusting appearance; 16 years and I was still uncomfortable in my own skin.  

It wasn't solely the loneliness that sparked up this reaction. For some time I had been contemplating the idea of fear, true fear. When I start considering such things I can't stop until I have a definite answer, a result of a crazed and obsessive nature. I was afraid of many things: drowning, people, bumper cars, exams, the future, failure...but none completely satisfied the category of a true and deep fear.  

I had gone on Omegle days before to try and get a fulfilling answer from a stranger, whatever it might be. 'Spiders,' one of them said and I laughed. 'Let me think,' another typed, I skipped them. They were all useless, but then again, none of them were mentally unstable like me, going around questioning miniscule details of life and the complex thing called the mind. For days I suffered with my own question. What do I fear? It was an itch on my back that I couldn't reach.  

The movie had revealed the answer to me. You know, when you watch a really depressing and emotive movie, and afterwards you're all wise and you suddenly have this deeper insight concerning the world? That happened to me all the time, but after this particular movie it just hit me. I knew my fear. My friend, misery, comforted me when it dawned on me. I was afraid of happiness.  

You might laugh at this, but I panicked some more. I gripped my hair, digging my nails into my scalp. 

Stop it brain. Stop. Stop. Stop. 

But it never stops. 

"I'm not alone, I'm not afraid of being happy," I tried to convince myself. "Sarah, I can talk to Sarah...no, no I don't want her to worry. Sebastian...no! No way, no. Elisha...I trust her right? I can talk to her. No, I don't want her to feel sorry for me...I can't talk to Hassan, he doesn't even know me.... Michelle? Who am I kidding, that was a long time ago...they care, but they don't care..."