🖤EMERGE🖤

Chapter 4

I padded down the hallway, the leftover warmth of the shower clinging to my skin, a plate of food in one hand and my bundled clothes and toothbrush balanced in the other. Something flickered at the edge of my vision-a blur, a flash of silver. I froze mid-step, heart hammering, but when I turned, there was nothing but empty corridor and humming lights. 

Get a grip, I told myself, shaking it off.

I continued down the hall to the small room I used whenever missions kept me away from home. But when I pushed open the door, I halted-blinking, confused. Steve was already inside, sitting on my bed. Clenching and unclenching his hands like he didn't know what to do with himself.

I tightened the sash of my robe, my body stiffening instinctively. "What are you doing in my room?" My voice came out sharper than I intended. He looked up at me with haunted eyes. "You're telling me that Natasha just lets you off the leash like that?" I ask as I walked over and sat beside him, keeping just enough space between us that the distance felt intentional. I set my plate down carefully and looked at him. "What's wrong, Steve?"

His chest heaved with a silent breath, like he was trying to hold back a storm. "What the hell was that?" he finally asked, voice cracking. "Why didn't you ever share stuff like that with me?"

I shrugged, emotionless. "You never asked me, Steve," I said quietly. "I always asked about you-your missions, your past, your scars. You never asked about me... that's just one of the reasons we never worked." I shift to the edge of my bed with a heavy sigh, feeling the ache of old wounds open anew.

Steve scrubbed his face with his hands, his fingers digging into his hair in frustration. When he finally looked at me, his eyes were nearly bloodshot and desperate. "I miss you," he rasped. "Seeing you with Loki, hearing how you were talking... the hugging, the comforting... I-I just... miss it." His voice broke, and he swallowed hard. "And the look you gave him," Steve said, his voice almost a whisper now. "When he was wiping your eyes."

I stared at him, bewildered. "What look did I give?" I moved across the room, placing my folded clothes on the table, shoving my food into the mini fridge. Anything to keep my hands busy."

Steve rose to his feet, his shadow looming over me. "It was the same look you used to give me," he said softly. "After bad missions. After nightmares. That look where you felt safe. That should be me making you feel safe. Not him." I bit the inside of my cheek so hard I tasted copper. I didn't ask for any of this. "I'm sorry," Steve says, voice breaking again. "I'm sorry for what I did. Natasha meant nothing-still means nothing."

I sat cross-legged on my bed, dragging a pillow into my lap like a shield. I started at my hands for a long time before I spoke.

"Steve... you know I can't be with you," I said, my voice trembling despite myself. "I'm still hurting. I'm still dealing."

"You won't forgive me?" His voice was small. Scared-like.

I looked up, eyes wet but burning. "I'm trying. I really am. But it's hard." I sucked in a ragged breath. "When I walked into our apartment and saw you and her... in our bed..." I choked on the memory, the betrayal of my ex best friend and ex boyfriend, the smell of her perfume still lingering on the sheets. "It killed me, Steve." He looked gutted, but I couldn't stop now. The dam was breaking. "I was disgusted with you. Disgusted with myself for not seeing it sooner- the way you looked at her, the way you gravitated to her. It was so obvious." He stared at me like he was watching his whole world collapse. "You have no idea how angry I was when I finally thought I was over it... and then they drag me on this mission. With you. With her." My voice cracked. "You messed me up so bad I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I took a semester off of school because of it. I didn't even want to exist for a time."