Saudade

I wish

It was a beautiful sunny day, and you looked as radiant as ever in my favorite black dress of yours , smiling ear to ear, oblivious to the troublesome news that was about to befall you. You took my hand and led me through the garden, laughing and running into the wilderness. I did not have the heart to tell you the truth, so I put on my best smile and followed behind you. Thoughts like, "how could this be?", "why does it have to happen to us?" danced across my mind. But I shoved them down to the deepest realms of my heart, as I could never see a tear drop from your eye.

There it was, our beautiful two-storey Victorian-style cottage by the lake, away from the wandering eyes of the world. Our home. Our haven. We had been living there for as long as I could remember. Every morning, I'd wake up and wait for you on our porch or by the lake where we first met, only to see you disappear into the dusk.You would always appear around dawn, a smuggly little grin on your face, and jump into my arms. And I would hug you as if it were the end of time. You would tell me all these amusing stories about your day and leave me bewitched. We would have our picnics by the lake and dance by the fireplace. Every moment I spent with you was as though new life was being breathed into my soul. You had me enchanted with your beautiful smile, your kindness, your boldness, and your stubbornness.

Oh, if only I could have you with me forever.

I still remember it as clearly as a sunny day when I never heard from you for a week. I waited like a madman and lost all track of time until the moment I inhaled the same lavender scent as yours. I dashed over to you, grabbing you in my arms and asking why you never came. However, you had no recollection of not showing up for a week. I was left bewildered and must have seemed like a lunatic. Though, everything started making sense. Your stories, your absences and arrivals. It all made sense to me now. The moment I learned the truth, it was as though my whole world had shattered, that my existence was nothing but a faux. A cruel twist of fate, if you may.

You must have been through so much, love, that you had to create a reality where you were the happiest and felt alive. I knew I was just a fragment of your mind, but I had no intention of making you aware of it. Through my eyes, you seemed to escape your brutal and cruel reality by coming here. You could be everything you wanted and be with someone who understood you and loved you. There were no ill intentions. I guess, that's why I could never break it to you that I knew the truth.

However, you started being quiet and seemed to have lost all your light. It was as if you knew the truth, or maybe I was not enough to help you escape your reality. Worrisome, I asked, "Love, is everything alright? You seem down." All you replied with was a nod of the head, not even looking in my direction. Troubled by this, I kept pestering you for an answer. Looking back at it now, I know I should have kept quiet. You seemed to have a breakdown and yelled, "I know the truth, Ken. I KNOW THE TRUTH. I never even realized that I was dreaming this entire time." With tearfilled eyes, you looked my way, to knock some sense into you. I knew this had to be done. I had to set you free. With a warm smile, I brushed your tears away and kissed your forehead. " You have to go, I will always be here as a part of you. You can always come back here to escape. Don't worry, you will be fine when you open your eyes". I hated this feeling, never being able to be with you. But I knew I had to be strong, for the both of us, so I just stood there holding you while you wept in my arms.

That was the last time I was ever with you or even saw the light of the day. I ceased to exist when you left and forgot about me. So I wrote this letter for you, if you were to ever come back, that is.