till death do us part

𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙩𝙚𝙧 6

-𝙘𝙝𝙧𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙖'𝙨 𝙥𝙤𝙫-
-𝙩𝙬!: 𝙗𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙙/𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛 𝙝𝙖𝙧𝙢-

All these thoughts. All the ones you can't get rid of. "You're fat. You can't do anything right. He's using you. That's illegal. Kill yourself. You act like a child, grow up." Those thoughts went through my head. I usually can talk myself out of it. Long enough for the yelling in my head to quiet down. But it wasn't working. "Kill yourself!" That voice was the strongest out of the others. Tears began to stream down my face, I can't do that again. It had been a year, two months, and nine days. Was I really gonna start all over?

I couldn't take it. I sat in my bathroom floor, holding the blade. Looking at the blade and then my wrist. I couldn't cut there, it's too noticeable. It was then decided that I'd cut my right upper thigh. One swift movement...and then there was blood. I remember this feeling all too well. The stinging, the blood appearing at the surface, blurry eyes from the tears, covering my mouth so my sobs couldn't be heard.

11 cuts. 11 marks now etched into my skin. I'll now have 11 scars on my thigh now. I thought about what Evan had once told me, "Have you ever thought of the repercussions that has on other people?" Then everything went numb. My poor boy. I let him down. Just 2 days ago he was simply congratulating me on how well I was doing. But, it was too good to be true. My Evan, how do I explain this to him?

I cleaned the blood off of me and the floor. I stared at the fresh cuts in the mirror. All I couldn't think of was Evan. I needed him here now more than ever.

Raquel is never at the house anymore, she stays with my aunt. David works all the time. So I didn't have to hide the cuts. It was already noon by the time I woke up the next day, it was Tuesday. Evan was off of work on Tuesday's so I texted him. 20 minutes and he'd be here. I took a shower and brushed my teeth. My stomach began to growl, I avoided it. I wasn't allowed to eat anything, I'm gonna die anyways.

Evan came into the house. He pulled me into a hug. No words were spoken, he just held me. I began to cry, holding myself against him. I needed to tell him, but I couldn't do it. "Shh, don't cry." Evan spoke softly. He sat on my bed and pulled me into his lap. I pulled my shorts down so that it would cover the scars. "What happened?" He asked. My body began to shake. Evan held me against him, luckily he knew what to do during times like this.

"It's okay, you'll talk when you're ready." Evan smiles. He laid in my bed with me. We watched Jojo's Bizarre Adventures together. It was a show he told me about, and it's my comfort show now. I didn't really talk much during times when I go numb. Evan had gotten so much better at understanding me, I'm so lucky to have him around.

We finished up the episode of Jojo and Evan looked at me. "Ready to talk now?" He asked, not pressuring me. I mumbled a couple words, still not being completely sure if I could tell him. Evan listened intently to everything I was mumbling, even though I'm sure he couldn't understand a word of it. I pulled the blanket away from my body. Evan looked confused, but didn't say anything. I pulled my shorts up a bit. And there they were. Those 11 cuts, visible for him to see. He didn't say anything. I couldn't bring myself to look at him.

He let out a sigh. "Christina, look at me." Evan says. I look at him, sadness consuming him. "I wish you would've told me earlier, I could've helped." He said. I shook my head, "You don't need to help with something as stupid as this. See it's fine. I'm fine." I smiled, but Evan seen right through it. "I'll need to clean it so it won't get infected. And we can put bandaids on it, okay?" Evan smiled.

Evan always kept bandaids with him for me. I was always falling or picking at my fingers. I suppose he never thought he'd be using them for this reason though. Bandaids now covered that place on my thighs. He patted my head. "See all better." He smiled at me. I wish it was better, he's so precious. Evan didn't give me some big speech, I guess he knew that's wasn't what I needed.

"I'm sorry." I admitted. "It's alright, I'm not mad. It's gonna be fine, we're gonna get you through this." He said. "Again though? I don't wanna live like this anymore. I can't be put through therapy or on medicine, we just don't have the money." I sighed. "Christina, I don't know if I can fix you, but I really want to try. I'll fix you." Evan said. "But...what if you can't fix me. I'm probably gonna be like this way for the rest of my life." I looked at him. "I will continue the rest of my life with you. I don't care, as long as I'm with you." Evan smiles.

"Does this mean you'll run away with me now?" He asked. I didn't even have to think about it anymore. "Yes."

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𝕚𝕞 𝕗𝕠𝕣𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕣 𝕤𝕠𝕣𝕣𝕪 𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕚 𝕣𝕖𝕝𝕒𝕡𝕤𝕖𝕕. 𝕚 𝕟𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕣 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕕 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕥𝕠 𝕞𝕖𝕖𝕥 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕤𝕚𝕕𝕖 𝕠𝕗 𝕞𝕖.
𝕚𝕞 𝕤𝕠 𝕤𝕠𝕣𝕣𝕪.
-𝕔𝕙𝕣𝕚𝕤𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕒