The President's Speech

[the President, with a slightly untied tie and looking a bit disheveled approaches a microphone. Behind him is slate black with one American flag on the right. There is murmuring as he approaches. He clears his throat]

President:

Everyone set? Are we ready, Jeff? Great. Thanks. Okay, ahem. Hello, my fellow Americans. Thirty minutes ago Russia launched ICBMs equipped with nuclear warheads at our country. You may notice that I am coming to you from a secret bunker where my cabinet and these brave reporters are to remain safe during this crisis. Unfortunately, there are now only twenty minutes until the California coast is hit first. Due to this fact, I've made a decision that if we are all going to die I will now answer any questions these reporters can ask in the next twenty minutes. Anything. I don't care what it is, I'll answer. I've got nothing stopping me at this point. So, let's just do this. Yes, Eric?

[murmur. We cannot hear the questions]

Really? Okay. Two, counting the maid at our house on Martha's Vineyard. I think her name was Catalina or Rosa. Can't remember. Does anyone have a better question? Andrea. Go ahead.

[murmur]

There we go. Learn from her, Eric. Sorry, Andrea go ahead. Yes. Fifteen million dollars but they were trained at a very young age to help us out. The fact that we couldn't fully communicate with them meant that we had to be damn sure they were accurate. Apparently, there was one named Dolly who could swim completely undetected under an enemy boat and lightly press sticky explosives to the underside. The problem was that it was a different time when people thought of most animals as expendable so we lost at least six before someone called them out on it. But from what I know they did what we needed and I've tried to get them out of places like Sea World. You don't cage your allies, you know? Next?

[murmur]

Ha! Well, a good way to phrase it. Yes. The file does exist but it's more of a warehouse. They give me the highlights I need and sometimes I ask the right questions and they have to answer me. Some old law says POTUS gets all access. Let's keep this going. Where else do we need to be? Oh, for those still watching there are approximately... fifteen minutes left. Up next? Randall from the Times. Go ahead.

[murmur]

Well, here's the problem. Not that they are here. That's fine. We have always had safeguards since they first landed. But that was in 1903. Nobody knew what the hell to do. The thing is, they took a look around and left. There was no actual first contact. We only found out about it because the damn Wright brothers had a photographer at Kitty Hawk. That photographer was Kenneth... Millbanks, I think? Mill-something anyway. Nobody saw those photos. But cut to 1947 and one of our guys is driving through Roswell on a routine mission to gather up a fallen weather balloon when pow! Alien ship! It was apparently very exciting. The thing of it is that what happened at Roswell that night was kept secret mostly because we thought if we captured them they might give us new technologies the damn Russians wouldn't have. And they did. Eventually. But it wasn't worth much to us. Their main scientist, Ruwan Poe-peal asked only that he be allowed to interact with our species in an effort to get his technology into the hands of as many humans as possible. We allowed this and all he did was tone down his silver skin coloring and humanify his name. Most people know him and his inventions. He's better known as Ron Popeil. Who else? Nancy?

[murmur]

Okay, well that is a big one. In fact, it may be the biggest conspiracy theory that anyone has. But here's the thing: All three had connections to one another. First of all, the office of the President is a place where other people do the research I ask them to do. In some cases it has already been done by the CIA, the FBI, the Pentagon. They don't share certain things with me unless I ask. So, I guess these are the top three. But remember that what I'm telling you is with no filter. I promised that at the beginning. So here we go. John Kennedy was shot in '63 by Malcolm X. Hold on! Everyone calm down and listen. Malcolm was not happy with the way that JFK was handling the civil rights act and, if I'm going to be honest, he may have also had a bit of a mean streak. So he makes his way to Dallas, knowing that the President is going to be there, and he shoots him in the head as he cruises through Dealy Plaza. I know, I know, it sounds preposterous but the fact that he was able to get away with it was mainly thanks to Bobby Kennedy. He and his brother were not in a good place and he was fed up. He'd been trying to make inroads with different groups that might assist him and once they realized they had the same endgame, he was able to supply Malcolm with a weapon and a patsy. He was, in fact, shooting not from the grassy knoll that everyone thinks about, nor the book depository that neatly comes in a close second. In fact, he was an amazing shot and did it from the County Records building which was even further away than the depository. He was able to slip out of the city thanks to RFK even as Johnson was being sworn in on Airforce One. The problem was that those more closely associated with the former President learned of what had happened and did some recruiting of their own. Three men from the Nation of Islam got rid of Malcolm and a young man named Sirhan Sirhan was easily recruited to close up the last gap with RFK. Nobody and I do mean this, nobody knows who it was exactly that got these men involved but it was an obvious coverup and the fact that Sirhan has not spoken about it since then is sometimes proof on its own. All we know is that after June 6th the intelligence community was said to have finally "taken a deep breath" and began getting on with other, more pressing issues. Okay! We have a bit more time. I hope people at home are watching this. It's great to get these things off my chest before everything goes off. Who else? Trent Crimm, go ahead.

[Murmur]

Space, space, space. The big question right there. Did we get there? Did we land on the moon? I mean, I've already addressed the alien coverup but as for NASA and all, its missions? The fact is that we have actually gone further. Sure we put a man on the moon. That definitely happened and I'm sorry to everyone who thought it was a conspiracy. The problem was that the moon turned out to be a boring but important step in the right direction. In fact, it was all leading up to the Challenger mission. Now, I say that knowing that everyone is pretty sure of what they saw that day. There have even been hearings about what supposedly went wrong that causes the ship to explode as it took off. However, let me tell you something bigger that will dwarf any thoughts anyone has about NASA conspiracies. The seven people on board were aware of what was going to happen. In fact, the concept of having a teacher on board was part of the plan and she was aware of just how awful it would look to everyone on the ground. But she was also aware of what was going to happen and why her presence was needed to make the entire situation seem all that more tragic. Give the people tragedy and they will mourn and only ask certain questions. In fact, the concept of an O-ring issue was part of the plan as well. A solution to the question of "what happened?" The truth is a bit more interesting. Jim, how much time do we have? Okay, we can do this.

In 1971 a scientist named Franz Lipkin developed an idea. He wanted to know what was possible when it came to space travel. How fast could we go, where would we aim ourselves, and what would we need to get someplace that might be habitable? Movies have done this for years. We all know the we-destroyed-the-planet-so-let's-find-a-new-one trope. But in actuality, we have been asking this question since before sputnik made it out. Mr. Lipkin developed a theory. What if all it took was a very specific explosion to tear a hole that could be controlled and allow people and things to go through and end up someplace predetermined on the other end? So we tried it. For years, whenever there was some kind of explosion on the tarmac from a missile or prototype ship, that was planned. Each time was based on Lipkin's research. I mean, I don't know details about him except that his ideas worked. It took us a few decades but we apparently managed to figure out the ins and outs. But, this kind of thing always boils down to not sharing with the Russians or the Chinese. I don't know. Honestly, to get back on topic, the Challenger mission was a success. The group of seven are quite a bit further away than anyone ever could have expected and have been living quite happily in a place called Proxima. They've had children and have begun raising them using items we have "exploded" for them. We have very specific equipment that seems to be random TV satellites that are able to transmit simple messages back and forth. It takes time but it works. The only reason we haven't spoken about it is that we just didn't know how people would react. Now, you can all react however you want and it won't mean a thing.

Jim? Jim, what are we thinking? Five more minutes? Yeah? Okay, folks, we are in the thick of it now. Who else... Whose phone is that? Rich? Anita? Anita. Pick it up. It must be important. I'm sorry what? What do you mean by false alarm? What do you mean? I just... I just... I mean, you've all been here. How could it be a false alarm? They are new systems! Guaranteed systems! Jesus Christ, turn the cameras off. Turn them off! Oh my god. Oh my god people are going to be furious. I'll lose the presidency. What is going on? Someone tell me! Oh my god.