Cs get baked beans

Back to reality

Now that you've had that brief interlude of my parent's love story I'll hand it back to your hosts me and Timothy on the awkwardness show...

"Sooo, where are your friends?" I asked Timothy, after a long period of painful silence.

"Told em to bugger off." Timothy replied.

"Why?" I asked.

"Well, let's just say a friendship with you has some advantages." Timothy said with a smile I couldn't read.

I was flattered. In my mind, Timothy's "some advantages" meant that he thought I was awesome and way more fun to hang out with than his friends. I didn't care how weird the conversation was, I supposed that was what the cool guys talked about. I felt like a winner.

A winner with questions.

"Hey mum," I said nervously. We were sitting on the couch watching Hunt for the Wilderpeople. Dad had a gaming night with school friends and my sister had gymnastics on Thursday night so Thursday night was me and mum's time, we always had a movie night until I decided I was too cool to have a movie night with my mum and I'd much rather go over to Bark's place talking about all the jerks from school and how embarrassing a movie night with your mum would be. "Yeah, soldier." she said. "What colour are your undies?" My mum wasn't phased, she never was. She never felt shock or embarrassment. I guess I take after my dad because I experience it every other day. She simply looked underneath her jeans and said, "Red and white striped, how about you, bud?" I did the same thing, "they're blue with dinosaurs." My mum stood up and roared. "The dinosaur from your knickers has possessed me and he's coming to eat little boys. Roarrrrrrr." "Noooo" I giggled and before I knew it my mum was chasing me around the house making dinosaur noises. In the end, I was lying on the floor with my mum's whole body wrapped around me. I was laughing hysterically, "he doesn't want to attack you, he just wants cuddles." "Mum, we're missing the movie!" I said through fits of laughter. "Oh no," she said and we took it back to where we were. When the movie was over we just stayed on the couch and chatted.

"Mum, where am I from?" I asked.

"You're from here, silly billy." she said.

"No, I mean...." I paused. Out of nowhere, I was a puddle of nerves.

"You can ask me, soldier."

"Did I come out of your vagina?"

My mum smiled in a way that suggested she'd seen this question coming. "Yes, Harold, you did."

When my mum dropped me off the next day, I sprinted out of the car, I didn't even say goodbye to my mum. My desperation to see Timothy was through the roof. It was like waking up in the morning busting to go to the toilet. I hadn't been this impatient to get to school since my first day. I woke up at four in the morning and made breakfast. But my dad got up looking like a troll from Billy Goat Gruff (some people pulled off looking good from interrupted sleep but my dad wasn't one of them) and said, "What the cock are ya doing? It's the middle of the night." Long story short, I was dragged back to bed.

I saw Timothy's silhouette with the twins in the distance and ran like I was being chased by a bear, when I finally caught up to him, after catching my breath I said; "Tighmothy, I came out of my mum's vagina." Timothy and the twins laughed so hard I thought they were gonna vomit out their stomachs, spits balls the size of turds came flying at me. I was honestly so confused. What did I expect? Timothy to congratulate me on my findings? "She was also wearing red and white striped underwear." I added weakly. More jumbo packets of laughter ten year olds never learnt. "Hey, dog hairs," Timothy said to the twins. "Why don't y'all go chase ya tails?"

"What?" the twins said in unison.

Timothy rolled his eyes, "it means rack off."

The twins both started arguing at once, "Why?", "But we just got here.", "You seriously wanna hang out with him." "What are we supposed to do?", "C'mon, Tim."

"Just go." Timothy said impatiently.

The twins stumbled off in a grump; "Aw, for crying out loud.", "Dammit Tim." "Fine." "You're no fun."

"Sorry about those egg breaths," Timothy said to me. "Are you doing anything after school?"

Bark was coming over. "Um, no" I lied.

"Liar! We're hanging out at your place and it's gonna be awesome."

At that. Timothy Fallons walked away. I thought I'd finished seeing the front of him but then he turned around again.

"Also," he added. "You can call me Tim if ya like. That's what all my friends call me."

I couldn't believe Timothy Fallon wanted to hang out with ME and considered ME his friend. This was the most magical thing that had ever happened to me. Oh boy, what on earth was I going to tell Bark???