Carmen
Strains of my song floated in the background as I held my gaze to the open crowd, then my eyes locked with his. While swaying to the rhythm of the music, I hadn’t expected us to go so far entwined with each other’s life. But yet we were soon interrupted by the loud roaring of the bar crowd as my beautiful song ended. I said my goodbyes into the crowd, and turned to walk off the stage. Another stage, another bar, another part of my dreams of becoming a singer slowly coming true. My life was a mix of travels. When my family back home asked why I was living this way I replied in my love for freedom of the open road, and my love for song. Do you ever wonder why things turned out the way they did?
Every night now, I think of my past. I spun out of control, eating was hard, breathing was hard, living was hardest. I had no illusions about love anymore, once my father past I lost my best friend and everything came crashing down at once. My mother could not take care of me anymore since money was now tight in my family. I was moved to another family, but I knew it was best for both my mother and I. I started taking care of my pain of the past by harming myself in ways indescribable. I would slide a blade over my wrists every time I felt the need, it became an addiction. I grew into new addictions as well, I became addicted to drugs any kind I could get my hands on. I lost control even more. I would lie to myself telling myself that it was okay to go away from the pain in ways that I did. After a short while I became an alcoholic. My foster mother realized my late nights away from home, and my grades slipping drastically. She knew I needed to get help, I knew I needed it too. I was sent into a rehab center. But since then I cannot tell you that I haven’t gotten lost in a drug, or have not cut my wrist since treatment. I have.
But life is different now from the time when that drastic winter in my life passed, my summer in life bloomed. I went on to the open road with the men I had met, stranger in their eyes but in mine, freedom. It is strange, but fulfilling to seek the security in strangers and to make sure they are always fine. I am crazy, but I am free now.
I am a singer, not a very popular one. When I was younger I dreamed of becoming a beautiful singer. My idol was Marilyn Monroe. I took her life, searched up books and tried to make my life as wavering as hers. But I have absolutely nothing, I am absolutely nothing. What had happened to me? I could not even understand myself. I thought no happiness in my life, thought about how I was a waste of air to the wellbeing’s in this world. That’s when my obsession for freedom grew; I went off to more bars to showcase my talent far away to New York. But I always felt like I had to go bigger. That is when my life started to change, when I met him. His name is Joseph, I still hold my gaze towards him during every concert I have, hoping that he will forever be in my heart. But this moment will just be another story one day. But then again, life does have its twists and turns.
I remember the first time meeting Joseph; it was my 7th concert, on April 26th 1955. His hazel Swiss chocolate eyes held my gaze through my song, it was tough to pull away he had my stomach in knots the whole time since the moment I walked up onto the stage and saw him. After the show, he came right up to me and questioned “Can I buy you a drink, darling?” He grinned at me as I replied with a yes. We sat and talked all night, that’s when he supposed to me, “You are so adorable, but I’m glancing at your wrists. And your eyes; your eyes look dead.” I talked all night to him about my problems, “My thoughts are killing me inside, and people don’t even notice.” I replied. “I noticed, and I will listen. But first listen to me; you are too young to let the world break you. You have to stop living like this.” His voice in that sounded stern, I replied more stern towards him, “Don’t tell me to stop cutting, and don’t tell me to stop being depressed, you actually think I enjoy living like this?” “Listen Carmen, I too also feel like I am on the verge of blowing up, all the stress and anxiety I have. But I’m never able to let it out. I just keep it inside.” That is the moment a tear rolled down onto my fragile cheek, he felt how I felt. He was exactly like me, fooling everyone and telling then I’m having fun. I leaned over towards him and gave him a peck on his delicate lips.
Days on end, from dawn to dusk Joseph spent his time with me. We would travel on our bikes down the main street in town, passing neighbors hearing them say “Good morning”, every day. We would laugh and talk till the day fell, then watch the stars counting each and every one of them, together holding hands and falling asleep in his arms till the next day waking up in my bed just like when I was a kid.
The next summer day Joseph whisked me up into his arms right as I woke up and just held me there. I giggled, “What time is it?” as it seemed as if it was very early in the morning. “I couldn’t wait to see you Carmen, all I think about is you. But I know you’re holding back on something, I can feel that you wish to get bigger in the industry.” Joseph smiled. “I do, I really do want to. But then again I want to stay with you, forever. Plus your parents wouldn’t let you go off onto the open road with me.” “You might not know this... but I would go out of my way just to make sure that you’re okay. Just to make sure that your life is full of happiness. Let’s go, and be together regardless of what they all say. Please.” He set his forehead onto mine, closing his eyes. “But what if...” Joseph stopped me in my tracks, “Life is too short to wonder “what if”. Besides, you’re my only happiness.” I nodded, touched my lips onto his and whispered “Fine.”, He glanced into my eyes and kissed me again.
We left the next morning at dawn; Joseph drove up into my driveway path in his Model A Ford whistling my name. A huge smile spread across his face, a smile for the love of independence. On the open road is nowhere. Nothing matters here. Over the next three years of running away as adolescents we had our fights, but we always ran back to each other’s arms. Joseph and I were in love, love that was undeniable. Because when you stop and look around, this life is pretty amazing.
