Heart As Cold As Ice

33: alondra

TW: assault

While Jack was in Ohio, I made an appointment at the local court house to file a restraining order against Grady first thing Monday morning. The pictures of the abuse during our relationship and his threats that we aren't over were enough for a temporary one until a court date can be set.

The weight I feel lifted off my shoulders when I walked out of the building this morning was the best feeling.

Jack's mom was right.

This is something I think I needed to do for myself.

I deserve to feel safe in my dorm room without the fear that he could show up at anytime. That I'm free to be with my friends and not worry that he'll make a scene or act like we're still together.

If he comes within a hundred feet of me, he'll be arrested.

I'm slightly worried that this will send him into a spiral, but I'm hoping he gets the hint to stay away. That's all I want; the freedom to live my life the way I want to.

Pritchett and Margot are at lunch when I get back and I'm honestly really excited to tell them about the step I took. This is something they wanted me to do after I got out of the hospital, but I wasn't ready.

Seeing how Lily got herself together and made a life for her and Jack was reassuring that I could take this first step. As she so eloquently said, 'You'll stop letting those moments of fear and panic control your decisions.' I'm done letting Grady scare me into submission.

Now I guess the next thing is to tell my dad that he can't stop me from skating. Jack managed to talk me into going last Thursday, but I was so nervous we were going to get caught that I didn't enjoy it like I should have.

I text Pritchett and Margot, asking them if they want to get celebratory drinks tonight. Then to keep from blurting the surprise, I ignored all their messages asking what we're celebrating to toss my phone on the bed.

I'm supposed to hangout with Jack this afternoon once their flight gets in so I'll tell him then.

It's crazy how much a person can change in a few months. If you'd asked me in July if I'd be friends with benefits with a guy I'm crazy for and filing a restraining order against Grady, along with a new group of friends including hockey players, I'd have said you were crazy.

Maybe I am crazy. But I'm also changed for the better.

People are right. You do change a lot in college. I don't think I expected this many during the first four months, but I'm skating again, smiling more, my anxiety is lower. I feel kinda free.

I toss some of my dirty laundry into my collapsable basket, hoping to get it done before Jack gets back. I lift my foot up, trying to kick my door open on my own without losing my grip on the basket. To my relief, it clicks open and my heart stops when I see Grady on the other side.

There's a crumpled up piece of paper in his hand and I take a step back, knowing immediately that it's the restraining order. I don't think I realized how fast it would get to him.

"A fucking restraining order?" He growls, stepping into my room, shutting the door behind him with a soft click.

The walls feel like they're shrinking in on me, caging me into place. "I'm going to call the police. You're violating the restraining order." I say, willing my voice to be strong. What would Lily do? Fuck, where's my phone?

"They served me at fucking practice!" Grady bellows, his eyes glittering with rage. I flinch backwards, dropping my laundry basket on the floor. "Do you know how embarrassing it was to get served in front of my coaches and teammates? There are questions being raised, Alondra. You need to drop this shit right now. Tell them it was a mistake and you lied."