Divergent: A Retelling

Every Woman's Fear

My fear plagues me, sending my nightmare after nightmare, even in the day. I refuse to go into dark spaces. The thought makes me nauseous. Everyone thinks it's silly, but they don't know what it was like. I am not the only one that wakes up screaming in the middle of the night though, disturbing everyone's peace, so that makes me feel slightly better.

We are back in the hallway, ready to undergo the second simulation. Dauntless-born and transfers are now mingling, sitting next to each other, making small talk. "Can I sit?" Asks a voice, and I look up. It's Uriah. I smile and nod, and he sits next to me. He looks at my bouncing leg, and smirks. "Nervous?" I shake my head, still smiling. "Calm as ever." "Second time can't be that bad, right?" I shrug, and he looks at me. "What?" He bites his lip slightly. "What was your fear?" I shake my head. "It's stupid." "It can't be, if it makes you so scared." I slouch in my chair a bit. "It was pitch black, the floor was covered in glass. I wasn't alone." I hardly know how to explain it, so I stop. "I'm scared of the dark too," he says, and I look at him. He says it smiling, biting his lip, but it also seems genuine, and I feel hot, on my face, ears, neck. "Townes." Calls Four. I sigh and stand up, not giving Uriah a look as I do. He intimidates me, and I don't know why.

I walk in, not even looking at Four. I sit down on the ice cold metal chair. "What, you can't afford a heater?" I ask as Four starts up the machine. "That's a luxury for other factions." He says, swabbing my neck. "Last time you did this, you were in the simulation for ten minutes-" "What?" I say, cutting him off and sitting up. "I was running for hours though!" "You used your divergence to stop feeling. Ten minutes is too fast, don't use your divergence." I swallow and nod, and he inserts the needle into my neck. I suppress a groan of pain, and my eyes flutter closed.

I wake and the intensity of this simulation slaps me in the face. I am already in danger, my top half dangling from a broken railing in a broken stairwell, holding Will's hand before he falls and dies. I gasp, straining against his weight. I look down, past him, and I see carnage. Rubble, fire, broken building pieces. He will die if I let go. I yell, pulling him up. I manage to pull my body up, and twist so I'm on my stomach onto the broken, jagged metal stairs. I grab his hand with my other hand, and begin pulling him up. Sweat trickles down my brow. He's too heavy. The building shifts and I almost let go. I hear a scream, and almost like it's in slow motion, I see that Christina is also hanging above death. The building shifts again and she lets go. I scream, and while still holding the Will, I dive for Christina's hand. I gasp as I reach her. I can't lift them both up. The building shifts again, and debris falls around me. "You can't save us both." Will says and I sob, shaking my head, but I know he's right. I look into his eyes. I have to let one of them go. But I can't. This stupid simulation is making me choose between my friends' lives. I stay there, trying to pull them both up. It takes all my strength to even hold them. After what feels like an hour, I accept it. I can't save them both. I can't use my divergence to get through this. A deep ache blooms in me. Will's hand slips from mine, and I grab Christina and pull her up. I don't watch as Will falls to his death. Holding Christina's hand, I jump out a hole in the side of the building and onto the rooftop of an adjacent building. I look over the edge and the destroyed building, Will's grave. I fall to my knees, forcing myself to be numb. I fall forward onto my hands, hanging my head. It's not real, I take a deep breath and wake up.

I sit up in the chair with a loud gasp, I put my hands over my mouth, heaving. Four gives me a moment to collect myself. I wipe away my tears, shaking. I now understand my fear. It makes me feel weak. I hate it. A few minutes later, I leave the room without speaking to Four.

For the next few days, I avoid Will, or at least speaking to him directly. I can't look at him without feeling guilty. More and more articles are being released about Abnegation, accusing them of withholding luxuries like cars and fresh fruit from the other factions in order to force their belief in self-denial on everyone else. When I read it, I think of Tris and her brother, or Will and his sister. Sometimes I forget about it, mostly because I haven't really grasped how much it really affects me. It isn't just Erudite and Abnegation in this race. It's order all throughout the factions, even the factionless. A second article discusses the failings of choosing government officials based on their faction, asking why only people who define themselves as selfless should be in the government. On some level, I agree. We should choose people to lead based on their personality and morals, not the faction they belong to, but I can't support the way Erudite is going about it, defacing the leaders and stalking transfers from Abnegation. The article promises a democratically elected political system of the past. It makes a lot of sense, which makes me suspect it's a call for a revolution wrapped in the clothing of rationality. Obviously, the articles trouble Tris more than they do me. I try to cheer her up, playing cards with her and Uriah, sneaking food from the kitchens, even going window shopping in the pit; but today I can't find her. Seems she wants to be alone.