Awaiting Recognition

Chapter 1, Part 1

Her eyes drifted around the room. As I felt them linger on myself, my heart began to race and thoughts were lost to me. All I could think about was her looking at me. I finally plucked up the courage to look up from the table and I saw her eyes lock onto mine. Oh god, here it comes. "Harriet, please describe the differences between situational and dispositional factors when attempting to explain institutional aggression." The whole class fell silent.

My heart started to race. All I could think of at this moment in time was "I know this answer... Why can't I think of it... Aggression... Situational means environment... Dispostitional? Is that personal factors then? Or is that wrong way around? Oh my God, I look like such an idiot." As time continued to pass, Kate grew ever-more impatient.

"Are you there Harriet? I asked you a question."

"Yeah, um, sorry, I, um.." Right, chill, breathe, and go. "Situational factors are all to do with the environment and the things within it influencing aggression whereas dispositional refers to personal traits that a person brings into the institution." And relax.

"Well you got there eventually." Turning to the rest of the class she continued. "Situational factors refers to the deprivation model whereby it is the environment and circumstances in which an individual is placed which creates institutional aggression, for example, conditions being too loud, warm or overcrowded. Dispositional factors however..." She continues rambling on about things for a while but I couldn't seem to pay attention, I hate it when she puts me on the spot like that, I could still feel the adrenaline coursing through my body.

My thoughts started to wander as I gazed out of the classroom window.
In the distance a motorway can be seen, the cars only just visible. I continued to watch the passing vehicles wondering where each one was going. Are they going to the gym? Work? Has their child fallen over at school? Has their child pushed someone else over at school? Are they just going for a drive? Weekly shop maybe? All the while, I was unaware of Kate's glare growing in intensity by the second until of course she shouted my name. I didn't turn to look at her though, I was too focused on what was happening on the road. "Um, Kate, I think there's been a collision on the motorway over there."

"Well you shouldn't be looking out of the window should you?" She then paused for a second before walking over to the window. "It does look quite bad actually."

Chairs shuffled as the students followed Kate's lead, running to the see what was unravelling. Kate then reached for her phone and dialled, pulling it up to her ear. "Hello, yes, I'm a teacher at Common Edge Sixth Form and I can see a collision on the M24 in Bainbridge. I'm quite some distance away but there seems to be quite a few cars piled up and everything else is at a standstill." Another minute or two went by before she pulled the phone from her ear and directed her attention back to the students. "Right everyone, come on, sit down."

After everyone was back in their seats it became apparent that the students weren't settling back down. Heads were turned to the slightly to the right and eyes wide, fixed on the motorway.

Clearing her throat, Kate leaned against her desk at the top of the room. "Right, guys, attention back to me for a second please." All heads then directed at her, she continued. "We've got 30 minutes left of the lesson and we need to get something done." Standing up, she reached for a pile of papers. "This was supposed to be the plenary but seeing as you guys are far too distracted, you can do this now, completing the rest of the actual lesson for homework."

Everyone finished the plenary task quite quickly, it was only a short quick-fire question sheet based on what we had already covered in the first 40 minutes of lesson. Soon everyone was back at the window, even Kate, except for me. I remained in my seat trying to distract myself by completing the newly set homework.

"Harriet," my friend called from over near the window, "aren't you coming to see?" I shook my head in response until she came over and sat next to me. "What's wrong?"

JJ was a true friend. It was clear that there was concern in her tone as she asked me that question but I couldn't dignify it with an answer, apart from the routine "nothing" and delving no further. Of course she didn't believe me for a second but she didn't push me for an answer. That's why I like her, she gets it - when to push, and when not to push.

By the end of the lesson I had completed the work set and therefore had a little less homework for the night but before I could leave the room I heard Kate shout my name. Here we go again.

Stopping, I walked over to where Kate was standing and comfortably leaned on the table, crossing my arms. Kate was not more than a meter away as she began to speak. "Is everything alright with you at the moment?"

Rubbing my hand along the side of my neck, my gaze flickered up to hers. "Yeah, why wouldn't it be?" I then followed my answer with a lack of direct eye contact.

"C'mon Harriet don't kid a kidder. I notice things." As she spoke she took a couple of steps closer, reached out her hand and rested it on my right arm.

My gaze met hers once more. "What things?"

Kate made a slight huffing noise as she retracted her hand, crossing her arms in front of her. "Well there's the obvious things like missing lessons, constant lateness, lack of effort in assessments, being distracted in class," She took a deep breath before continuing, "and then there's the less obvious things such as the tone of your voice, the things you say, the manner in which you do things, the way you respond to your friends. I could go on but its needless to say that you're understanding where I'm coming from. There's just something different about you lately. I care is all."

Pulling a chair out from under the table, Kate gestured for me to sit down. She then followed suit, pulling a chair from the other table and sitting in front of me, slightly to my right. "C'mon, what's up?"

I really don't know what she's expecting me to say. It's not as if she really cares is it? She's just doing her job. "Nothing, it's nothing. You don't need to worry about it, honest." Now please shut up.

"Harriet. There's clearly something bothering you and we're not leaving this room until I know that you're okay." I remained silent, stubborn in my ways, but so was she. "Is it family? Friends? Partner? Are you being hurt? Bullied? Harassed?" And then a question came out of her mouth that I wasn't expecting. "Are you hurting yourself?" At this moment, I began to feel ridiculously uncomfortable. My eyes darted to hers, my breath became short and my skin began to crawl. I didn't know what to do. I just sat there. "I'll take that as a yes then?" All I could do was nod, no words were able to form in my mouth, I was completely frozen in place. Now that she had mentioned it, I could feel the scars on my arms start to burn.

Why am I such an idiot, why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just be normal? Ugh, why did she have to ask?!

Kate leaned marginally forwards but it felt as if the entire room was getting smaller and smaller. I was struggling to breathe. Anxiety flooded my bloodstream, forcing me to stand up. "I've- I- I've got to go." Darting towards the door I quickly turned the handle and escaped down the corridor.

Catching my breath, I sank down the wall, collapsing in a crumpled heap on the calming cold floor beneath the stairs. I'm safe here.