Awaiting Recognition

Chapter 1, Part 2

After picking myself up from the floor, I left my safe place and went in search of something to eat. Skulking through the hustle and bustle of the hallway at lunchtime, I finally made it to the canteen.

Keeping my head down I waited in line until it was my time to order. The agonising shuffles forward in the queue made it feel like I was waiting for a about half an hour, not 3 minutes. "Um, I would like a barbecue chicken panini, with cheese, please."

Placing my finger on the scanner, I paid for my food and then got back in line to wait for it to cook. "Oh, sorry excuse me?" Carol, the dinner-lady, looked up. "I forgot to ask, please could I have my panini well-done? Only if it's not too much hassle mind."

Without hesitation she answered "Of course you can, you'll just have to wait a little longer is all." With the go-ahead from me, Carol turned up the heat, and went back to serving customers.

When the panini was finally ready, I gave my thanks and left to find a seat. It was cooked just how I like it - golden and crispy.

Sitting in the corner where I could not easily be seen, I had a clear view of outside. As it was lunchtime the smoking area was busy. I always found it curious as to the reasons why they didn't go inside the designated area but chose to stand just next to it. It could be a form of rebellion, or maybe it's because they feel like animals in locked in a cage? Who knows? Who cares, eat your food.

Soon enough I had finished my panini and felt a little bit better. Picking up my bag I turned and walked towards the double doors that lead outside. It wasn't particularly nice out I just fancied a walk, some fresh air, and slight peace of mind.

As I was walking through the car park at the front of college, I laid eyes on someone I most definitely wanted to avoid, but it was too late to turn back now. Maybe I can slip by without her noticing? Stepping cautiously I tried to be invisible or at least seem inconspicuous.

"Harriet." Shit. "I was hoping I'd find you." Of course you were.

"Well you've found me. What is it Kate?" Closing her car door she folded her arms and slightly leant on the side of her Golf, looking at me as if telling me she could see right through me. "Well?"

"As much as I'm revelling in this whole moody-teenager thing you've got going on with me right now, I still have a duty of care to you, and so we still need to have this talk. Properly." After a few shrugs and annoyed huffs from me, and a few 'knowing looks' from her, I eventually nodded. "So when are you free today?"

"Um..." Oh gosh, why am I such an idiot? "I'm free now or..." Think goddamnit. "Um, session 6?"
Kate didn't seem too happy about those options. "Or after hours, around 5? I've got an extra lesson at 4."

"5 o'clock seems good to me if you don't mind staying late?"

"No that's fine, I normally stay late anyway, I'll see you then." Just as I turned away, Kate reached out and grabbed my arm. The grip was light but it was there and for some reason that was all I could think about.

Kate's face was soft and her eyes were kind, they locked with mine for a brief second before she spoke but it felt like a blissful eternity. "If you do need me for any reason before then or at any time on any day then just pop by my room, even if I'm teaching, I'll come see you as soon as I can. Does that sound alright for you?"

"Yeah, that'll be great, thanks." A smile crept it's way on to my face as I walked back inside. That was really sweet of her.

Deciding I should probably get some work done I headed towards the library. Unable to shift this weird fluttering feeling in my chest I pulled out some psychology notes and got reading.

Before I knew it, it was 5 o'clock and after walking up the two flights of stairs to the top floor, I stopped around the corner from the office to catch my breath. Right, stay calm, breathe. It will be fine. Placing my hand on the door, I knocked twice, and opened it.

The office was empty apart from Kate who was sat at her desk. "Hey, how are you?" She said as she pulled out the chair next to her.

"I'm alright I guess, just tired." Sitting down I started looking at what she had been working on before I came in. "Hey is this even on the spec?"

Looking down as she leaned slightly forward, she shook her head and smiled. "No it's not. I'm doing some background research for something." Prompting her to continue, her smile grew bigger and she inhaled before speaking. "I'm thinking of conducting a piece of research into the way students receive teacher's messages and whether this impacts the way they perform educationally."

"What do you mean? As in like, um, sociology, labelling theory kind of sense?"

She thought about it for a second before she spoke. "I guess so, that focuses more on whether a specific label impacts educational performance whereas I want to know whether the way in which a teacher says something such as, um, "you'll fail if you don't revise" or "you'll improve your grade if you revise" impacts the way in which the student responds to the message and how well they do overall." I could listen to her talk about this all day.

"That sounds so cool, I'd love to conduct my own study. It's like a dream of mine. To be published in a psychology journal and have students learn about my work would be amazing. I'd just love it."

"Okay well I'm hardly published, I'm only on the literature review. I've barely even started." I don't even know what a literature review is. "Do you think everyone in class would like to do that? Conduct research? I might be able to shuffle some things around in the timetable and have everyone conduct their own mini study. It could be useful for the research methods section of your exam."

Nodding a little too enthusiastically, Kate laughed a little and wrote a reminder for herself on a post-it note, sticking it on her laptop. "Anyway, we're here to talk about you not me."

My enthusiasm quickly died down. "If we have to." Kate re-positioned herself in her seat so that she was fully facing me with one of her legs crossed over the other and her hands joined together on top of her knee. "Um... So what now?"

"Well, what's on your mind?" You're legs. "Or what's getting to you at the moment?" Everything. Honestly having no idea what to say I just shrugged. "Come on Harriet, I can't do all the work for you, you've got to give me something."

Sighing a little, I leaned back in my seat and placed my hands in front of me. "I, um, I, I don't know." I don't know how to explain it. Wait, that's it! Leaning forward again I began to speak. "I don't know how to explain it." Taking a deep breath I struggled on. "I don't know what it is... I don't know what to do. I have so much going on and I don't know what to do with myself."

Even thinking about what was going on and how it made me feel was making me teary-eyed and I could see that Kate could tell. Uncrossing her legs she moved forward and held onto my hands. My eyes met hers and a smile appeared on her face. "It's okay, you're safe with me, I won't tell anyone anything I don't have to. I promise."

I nodded and as a tear strolled down my cheek. A smile grew on my face, matching Kate's, and I looked down at her hands on mine. I do feel safe. "I trust you."