.salvation. ||| [ novahd ]

.one.

James trudged along the old beaten trail to his trailer park. He sighed, probably for the hundredth time that day, as he made his way up to the beat up door of the trailer, wincing from last nights memories. He would want to be anywhere else but here. Everything he seems to do tends to annoy others or just make him seem like a disappointment. He stared down at his old worn out shoes. How he wishes he had enough money to buy a new pair, or even better, buy a new car so he wouldn't have to walk on the rough dirt road. He opened the door and stepped in remembering that he would be alone for the night as his parents wouldn't get home until past 11pm or lately not at all. He threw down his backpack and sat on the couch, pulling out his homework for the day. He knew that he barely payed attention in Pre-Calc and he would regret that while he did the packet. As he finished his homework he couldn't help but think of all the kids in his class that had been giddy for the upcoming party on Saturday. It's not like he wasn't use to the same kids ignoring him year after year but didn't he deserve to be included? He wouldn't bother anyone and just stay in the shadows out of everyones way. James bowed his head as a sense of self-hate overcame him. Of course he deserved this, why else would all of these terrible things continue to happen to him? He placed all his work back into his bag, his mind still on the topic of everyone ignoring him. James felt completely and utterly alone. Even wehn he was surrounded by a crowd of people, the feeling of being alone would stay, and he despised it immensely. James was just young teen, a teen who just wanted to be included, apprecitated and maybe even loved. Bringing his knees up to his chest he found himself staring at the beaten up radio in the small room of his trailer. He let his arms fall from his knees and helped himself up, heading towards the radio. He tuned to a chill radio station since his family didn't own any CD's or anything as cool as the tech stuff now a days. Sitting back on the couch, he let his mind push out any bad thoughts and focus on the instrumental melodies coming from the old radio. Slowly the radio lulled him to sleep, causing him to forget about all the things that made him feel like maybe all of this wasn't worth it.

James awoke from a high pitch sound coming from the table beside the couch that could only be recognized as an alarm clock. 'Shit did I really sleep through the entire night?' James thought as he sat up, ploping both of his feet on the floor. Standing up he went to the closet where his five pairs of clothes were located and peeled off his shirt and pants. He sluggishly pulled out a blue shirt and some dark sweats. Finally done with the morning routine, James headed out of his so called "home". 'Huh,' he thought, 'have I ever really considered this place my home? As if this place held any sentimental value to him, it only held the most bitter and miserable memories of his childhood'. Shaking his head of such philosophical thoughts, he began his long trek to school. Although he could take the bus , he prefered to walk because not only did he get to skip out on the bullying, but also got to enjoy the sweet peacefulness of the journey. There were no parents shouting obscure profanities back and forth, and definitely no annoying snot-nosed kids trying to establish their dominance or superiority over him. During his walks there was only him and the sweet serenity of the nearby forest as he walked along a the stretch of pines running along the road that connected his trailer park to the school. Cars rushed by him on his left as he walked on the main road, sometimes a bus would come by and the kids inside of it would yell "LOSER" as loud as they could at James. He had learned over the years to never give them the satisfaction of looking up or bellowing back, but to simply keep his head down. As he neared the school he prepared for a day filled with nothing but the cackling of bullies and the pain of avoiding them or getting caught. He tried his hardest to avoid the second.

On the way back home he had run into the terrible misfortune of a huge downpour of rain. Now rain wasn't exactly his enemy because he could recall countless times it had helped him out. As a kid anytime he saw the rain it would soothe his conflicted spirit as he came "home" wondering why all the children at school would treat him different. Or as a middle schooler he had devised a plan to stay after school later than usual saying it was the "rain" even though he really just didnt want to go home. Honestly he had felt that it was a win-win since he could stay away from them and they wouldn't have to fuss over his wet clothes or yell at him for getting wet in the first place. Truly walking in the rain didn't bother him just the fact that in the end he had no way of drying his clothes since he didn't have a dryer that apparently so many kids had. As a result, he decided to take a detour in the forest instead of heading home today. While under the canopy of the trees occational drops of rain escaped and managed to bombard him but nonetheless, the sound and scenery comforted him as he trudged along the bumpy forest floor. Today at school he barely gotten anything done and hardly paid attention. The teacher had pulled him aside and asked why he wasn't turning in his assignments and why he was acting more introverted lately. James had simply shrugged and replied with a mumbled sorry returning to his seat. He knew his school performance would affect his future and that he would later regret not picking up the slack but he couldn't help but yearn for something he couldn't quite explain.

James decided to stop at a fallen log next to a nearby creek before heading back home. James sat and put his face in his hands, attempting to just hide from it all and shield himself from reality. He had found himself more often than not in the same position questioning his existence and purpose in life. Sometimes he would lie on his bed numbed by these constant pestering ideas that involved him just running away or disappearing forever. 'Why me?' would be a constant mantra playing in his head as the wall, he so often stared at, would in return give no reply. While in this dark solitude he planned the way to go and wondered whether ridding the world of his existence was the right choice. Yet time after time the idea never seemed to placate his inner conflict. It frustrated him beyond belief to sit there trying to grasp what it is he was suppose to do or find. However,this tiny spark of hope would always find itself igniting as he began to consider such permanent solutions. Like a beacon of hope, he was attracted to the idea that there was something or someone that save him from this endless isolation. As the sun began to set, James remained on the log silently wrestling with his inner demons. Eventually he decided to head back home and once again resigning to continue on with his dreary,suffocating life.

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[ written by jani, mia, and sun! edited by nico ]