Hollow [h.s]

chapter twenty-six

The one year anniversary of Calvin's death is coming up in a couple weeks. And I physically can't stop thinking about it. I have tried to hold off the grief and ignore it so I can just deal with it all in one day, and not be a sad mess for weeks on end but I can't. Every time there is a lull in conversation it pops into my head. Memories of getting the phone call from Marcus saying he found Calvin, seeing his dead body at his funeral, it's all too much. I am just glad I didn't find him. I don't think I would ever be able to get that image out of my head, that's what I feel the worst about for Marcus. Yes his best friend died, but he had to find his dead body and panic over trying to get him back when it was no use. He had to call everyone. I wouldn't have been able to survive that.

I have to be at the arena in an hour. We don't have a writing session today for the boys, but I am trying to write something about what I am feeling right now to try to take some of the pain away by transferring it into music. We are in Milan today, and we are filming the where we are tour concert film so there's a lot of pressure riding on all of us. They are going to be filming some backstage stuff as well to give a more honest look into what happens at a concert or something like that.

Which means I will probably be in the film, yay. Not.

I am currently sitting on the bed of my hotel room, strumming my guitar that sits on my lap. I have my voice memo app open on my phone that lies on the comforter next to me, waiting for me to work up the courage to turn my feelings into lyrics.

"I fell by the wayside, like everyone else.", I sing softly while continuing to play my guitar. I failed to continue going on happily without Calvin. It was painfully obvious the moment he died my world got dimmer, his light stopped shining.

"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.", it took me a while to admit that. I remember feeling like crap when I did, I still do when I think about feeling that way. I don't hate him for it as much anymore after I have come to terms with it more, but there is still a little bit of that feeling there.

"But I was just kidding myself.", but I don't think I could ever truly hate him. I kind of understand why he did it, I won't ever fully be able to unless I get to that type of low. "Our every moment, I start to replace.'Cause now that they're gone. All I hear are the words that I needed to say.", the memories I have of him are fading and new memories are taking there place. When I think back on conversations we had they start to disappear, the lines of his face are becoming blurrier and I am having a hard time remembering exactly what he said, and now I don't even try to remember and put in new dialogue. I replace what we actually said with something that might have been helpful. "I have noticed you were kind of down lately I am here to talk whenever, I won't judge", or "I love you Calvin, more than anything, I am so glad I get to be in your life".

"When you hurt under the surface. Like troubled water running cold. Well, time can heal but this won't". He was hurting and I didn't notice and now it's too late to fix that.

""So, before you go. Was there something I could've said. To make your heart beat better? If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather.", for weeks after he died I would lie awake and think of things I could have said to stop him from killing himself. I told my therapist this and she said don't drive yourself crazy you couldn't have known. But I should have noticed, he was my brother I should have noticed.

"So, before you go. Was there something I could've said. To make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless.", I know what it feels like to think you are worthless and don't have anyone there for you. I am getting better at not feeling that way, Harlem has helped a lot. But sometimes I still struggle to believe she cares about me and wants to be around me and isn't just faking it to make me feel better. Because Harlem would a hundred percent do that, she has done it for others before.