chapter seven

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VALENTINA22

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VALENTINA
22

For the last few weeks, I've been avoiding Antonio, it's not like he hasn't been avoiding me either but when I even saw a bit of him or heard his voice, I ran to the other side of the house. It's quite pathetic if you think about it. I guess it's no different than before, Valencia and him were probably avoiding each other too because he's not looking for me or finding it suspicious that I'm not spending time with him. He only comes to bed when I'm asleep and he is gone before I'm even awake. The maids avoid me as much as possible. I think they might hate me. They probably do. Valencia probably did everything to make them hate her.

I think it's pathetic how we avoid each other. I think this marriage is pathetic. I think my whole situation is pathetic right now.

To be honest, I have no bloody idea what I'm doing with my life. I'm not supposed to be me, I'm supposed to be Valencia. I have nothing left of myself.

I'm now Valencia fucking Rossi. Valentina Romano is gone. Dead. She doesn't exist. She disappeared and she doesn't exist anymore. She's dead.

Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead.
Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead.
Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead.

Valentina Romano is dead. She doesn't exist anymore. There's only Valencia Rossi. I'm dead. I am not the person who I was. That person is dead. I am nothing. I am a liar. I don't even know who I am anymore.

Thinking about it makes me want to cry. For how long will I have to pretend to be my sister? One year? Two years? Five? Ten? All my life? Will I ever get my life back? I don't think that I ever will. I'm stuck. I'm stuck here.

All I want to do is drink. Go back to my old habits. My sixteenyear old self made me drink every time something was wrong and I kept doing it. I also starved myself as a punishment, if something was wrong, they were my go to.

I shouldn't do it. I know that I shouldn't do anything like that. I know it's bad but every time something is wrong I want to. My mind instantly goes to that place; don't eat. All you need is alcohol. Everything will be fine then.

It's sick that my mind goes to those places. I'm sick. My mind shouldn't go to those places but it does. I don't like the fact that it does but I have no control over that.

Being around Antonio makes me go to those places. I hate that I'm here. I don't like the fact that I can't be Valentina. I am Valentina. I was never Valencia. She and I are two different people. I'm sick in the head and she's not. My head goes to dark places and her doesn't. My mind is a dark place.

Sometimes I either don't eat at all or I binge and it makes me hate myself.

I don't think that I'm okay. I think I'm kinda fucked up in the head and this isn't good for me. I don't like this. I hate this life. I don't like how I am.

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⏰ Last updated: Jul 29 ⏰

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