Heartbeat

Still One Of Them-2

"Why are so confused and distracted these days?" Ha-Neul asked me out of frustration. I guess, I zoned out again.

It had been like this for a while. Almost two months had gone by when Ha-Neul told me about the most heartbreaking proposal I ever heard of. It drove me into being very sad for a while.

It's not like I did not try. I tried to be normal. I tried to be okay with it. But seeing Yoongi's face every day, the same damn smile he gave me every day and knowing that he did not tell me about it, hurt me more than the fact that he did not see me the way I saw him.

I tried staying away. I tried ignoring him. I tried to be unaffected by his presence. I tried to limit contact.

I tried to walk away...

But he, I guess, did not want to let go of me just like that.

So one fine afternoon, when I was returning from the washroom to collect my bag and head home, he stopped me in the mid-way with the one statement I couldn't ignore. Because I was the one to use it first.

"You have been pretty busy these days."

I had to turn around. 

I had to continue the conversation.

I had to give up my unwilling will to stay away from him.

We talked for a while that day before heading home.

And now, I just could not get this one thought out of my head. I liked him a lot. And I wanted him to know that. 

But I could not risk my friendship with him.

All these thoughts were what keeping me constantly distracted. Constantly confused. Even if I tell him, he most probably won't respond the way I wish him to.

After all, the world is not a wish-granting factory. (A line from the book 'The fault in our stars' by John Green.)

I looked up at Ha-Neul with the same apologetic expression I had been giving her for a while now.

She grew even more irritated, "Look, Jia. I am not going to tolerate that look anymore. You are going to tell what the fucking matter is right now. You don't have a choice."

I contemplated for a moment before letting it all out, "I think I like Yoongi."

And the rest of the story was about how I felt for him and how frustrated I have been. Ha-Neul listened to me with the utmost attention. After some 10 minutes, when I had finished, she said that one thing that gave me all the motivation I needed, "You made a good choice. Although you know what has been going on, if you feel like it, you should tell him. I think he'll understand."

I asked Yoongi to wait after school that day. When I came out of the washroom, he huffed and said, "So, what is it?"

"I like a guy. I want to tell him that. But he is a very good friend. I don't want to ruin my friendship with him. What should I do?"

He smiled teasingly and said, "Nice. Nice. But I can't advise you anything. I don't know who he is so..."

"You know him. Very well."

He gave me a questioning look and I stayed silent for a few minutes contemplating my chances after I reveal that name to him.

"Who is it?" He finally asked, that boyish curiosity lining his forehead.

"I'm talking about you."

He let out a quiet laugh before speaking, "That's a nice joke."

"I am not joking," I said as quietly as I could. My heartbeat going up to dangerous levels. I could hear it in my ear. I wondered if he could too.

"But...I don't have an answer to this now..." He stumbled upon his words.

"I don't expect an answer from you either. I just wanted to let you know how I felt."

"Well, then..."

I stared at him for a while before he let out one more confused laugh and asked, "What?"

"What about our friendship?" I asked the question, I dreaded the most.

His next words confirmed that I had made the correct choice.

"It's still there, the way it was." He shrugged casually.

"I wish to remain the way we were 15 minutes ago."

I smiled. And he smiled.

And things changed between us.

I didn't quite understand why Jimin insisted on helping me with the dishes. Jungkook had already asked me if I could ask him to stay for the night so that they could play games and enjoy, doing something together apart from studying. I understood that Jimin must have been the only person at college who made Jungkook so comfortable and was a constant trustable company. Since I wasn't able to give him time given my project kept me busy, asking Jimin to stay for the night was the least I could do for Jungkook.

And Jimin accepted the offer on the condition that he would help me with the dishes while Jungkook set up the play station.

I carried the dishes to the sink and Jimin followed me inside a pretty smile lining his lips.

I began to clean the counter and said, "You really did not have to do this, Jimin."

"I needed some alone time to speak to you, noona. So I asked for this." Jimin looked at me seriously from where he stood in front of the sink.

I stopped what I was doing and looked at him questioningly while he continued, "I remember seeing you talk to Yoongi hyung back in school a few times. But I couldn't place your name. When Jungkook showed me your picture I exclaimed, "Oh! Isn't she that one. The girl who used to talk to Yoongi hyung?" Noona, I am sorry." Jimin bowed his head.

"For what?" I was still confused over where this conversation was going.

"I used to think back then that you liked him. And I wasn't wrong." Jimin said, "Today when I said the line of girls thing about him, I saw your change in mood. I am sorry if I unknowingly hurt you. You were being my host and I was causing you trouble. I am really sorry about that."

I smiled at him heartily, "Jimin-ah, it's okay. You did not hurt me or caused any trouble. Don't worry about it. And if this is the reason you offered to do the dishes, just leave it to me and go play with the boys. I'll finish it up real quick."

Jimin smiled at me and said, "No. No. I am going to do the dishes no matter what."

I chuckled at him and he kept smiling widely. I wondered if he could see anything since his eyes were almost closed because of his wide smile.

Jungkook was waiting in the living room with the play station ready. Yoongi wasn't around.

"Where's your brother?" I asked him.

"He went to sleep. He said that he was tired." Jungkook replied.

"Hmm, okay. I'll be in the study upstairs. Call me if you guys need anything." I said.

The guys said thank you and wished me good night. 

I went upstairs, not to the study but to the balcony beside it. The wood-and-mesh door creaked a bit when I opened it. 

I exhaled loudly as I leaned down on the boundary wall.

"You are still one of them aren't you?" I heard Yoongi say from behind me.

***