Mikey and the Chickadee

Chapter 12 - Part 3

We rode down to the next corner and he said, "I really don't take it for granted that you're here for me tonight."

"I'm glad you texted me," I said. "Please tell me what happened with Sophie, if you feel up to it."

He pulled out onto the uncrowded highway and accelerated to the limit more slowly than usual. "She started asking about you. Just a few pointed questions, I guess. She asked if I felt attracted to you. It was so out of nowhere. She wasn't even trying to accuse me of anything, it's just..." He trailed off.

I remained quiet, lending him time to gather his thoughts.

"Anyway, I blew up at her," he said. "I really fucked it up, Chickadee. I just denied everything. A big fucking wave of denial."

I thought about suggesting that we find a place to park before continuing to talk, but the fingers of his right hand hooked casually, confidently over the stitched bottom rim of the wheel, as if his manner of conducting the vehicle did not answer at any level to his agitation.

"It just felt so...shitty." His chest heaved a little and a small breath fell from his lips.

"I'm so sorry," I said. "Mikey, if she was rushing you in any way—"

"She wasn't, though," he insisted. "It was time to talk about it. Overdue, actually. I should have already brought it up. But hearing her say she'd always wondered about me...I just felt so hurt, somehow. It's as if she feels like I've been hiding this for so long. Does she think I'm someone who wants to hide who I am from the world?"

"Hiding. That's what you said before. It isn't the right word."

"Then what is the right word?"

"I don't know," I said quietly. "But it's like, you didn't even know what the fuck you were hiding. You didn't understand it. Until recently, I don't think you really even believed it was true."

Mikey did not respond to this.

"It's so obvious how much respect she has for you," I said. "She told me you're the best guy she knows. You might think she's passing some kind of judgment on you, but that's just not true."

"I know it doesn't make sense. It's just, if she's felt this way about me for so long, I wish she had brought it up a long time ago."

"Maybe she didn't feel like it was the right time. Maybe she thought it would be too soon."

Mikey sighed. "Fuck. I guess it would have been. I don't know."

We didn't talk for a couple of minutes. Eventually I said, "What do you think you'll do?"

"I have to tell her what's going on with you and me. I owe it to her. And I am so disappointed with how I reacted. I need to apologize for that."

"The way you reacted," I said. "Mikey, don't beat yourself up too much over that. She must know how difficult this is for you. Just cut yourself some slack, okay?"

After a pause he said, "I pride myself on having my shit together. At this point, I don't feel like I do."

"It's okay. I promise you'll feel better soon. You're dealing with this. You've worked so hard to understand it." I took a breath and was met with that yet untouched, synthetic scent of his car's interior. "My god, Mikey, you've come so far in the last few weeks, and your support group isn't exactly—well, it's just not what I had. You have your shit together more than I ever could hope to."

"Yeah," he said, mustering a laugh. "You're not going to convince me of that."

I shrugged. "Fine, don't believe me, then."