Drown - This labyrinth doesn't have an exit

Chapter 2. - Sometimes things get too much

I am smiling. Not a real smile. A fake one of course.
I don't remember the last time I smiled for real.
I'm just so tired of faking a smile. Pretending to be alright and okay when I'm not. Not at all.

Oh okay, I just found out my best friend is moving away to a school a few hours away. She's boarding. She keeps telling me how amazing her year is going to be there.
Don't worry. It won't be too long and you won't have to put up with me.
Ok, so I was just watching a movie (Dad was putting my sister to bed) and this guy hung himself and it showed him kicking over the chair and I was like wow ironic I almost did that today but I stopped myself and then it reminded me that a lot of people hang themselves. I wouldn't be the only one. Still no one would care.
I'm just so sick of having to self harm to go to sleep. Of having to smoke to feel joy. Having to drink to stay happy. Overdosing with caffeine to stay alive through the day. I'm just tired. Tired of living.

My mind is ready for death. My body is ready for death. I'm ready. I know I won't live to 23. I'm sick. Sick of having to get up. I can't live like this anymore.
I might go for a walk. To sulphur creek. It's another special place. But not to cry; to smoke. And drink. It's somewhere where no one else goes. I often go there when I feel down.
At the creek I pull out the teabag and the paper. The filter and the lighter. I tear open the teabag with my teeth and pour it onto the paper. I sit the filter in the paper and I roll it up. I lick the edge of the paper and seal it shut. I light the smoke and have a puff, ah instant release. That's exactly what I need. I'm sure of it. You know how people always say "why do people smoke there are no benefits?"
Well, often when you ask someone why they smoke you won't get an answer. Yes, some grew up in a smoking environment but others, they have their reasons. But please, don't call them silly because for some people even if smoking kills, smoking is their way of staying alive. I know it's my answer.
Now, the vodka. Oh yes the vodka. I pull out the tonic water then the lime. Now I pour in the vodka. More than usual. I need to get high. I take a swig. Oh yes now I'm good. I'll walk back soon, just wait. I might take a nap. Maybe.

Oh crap, what time is it? How long was I out for? Wow it's really dark. I'm not walking 4.5ks in the dark on the road! Oh crap I should never have fallen asleep.
I don't want to walk. I don't want to do anything. I will wait until it gets light and go home. Most people's families would be worried sick. Not mine! They are probably happy I'm gone...soon I'll be gone for good.