If You Were Ours

Chapter Forty Seven - Kinsley

Kinsley ~

My eyes were swollen and my head was pounding as I walked into the art galler to meet Violet.

"You look like hell," Violet said, sliding a coffee toward me.

"Then I look about as good as I feel," I muttered, raising the cup to my mouth and letting the warm liquid touch my lips.

Dane used to make me coffee every single morning and it tasted twice as good.

I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head, trying to physically rid myself of the memory.

"You okay?" Violet asked, placing her hand gently on my arm.

"No, not really, but I'll be alright.

Maybe...probably not.

Following her upstairs to her studio, I watched her paint for a few hours, admiring her technique and passion.

I used to feel that happy when I painted, but not anymore, not since they sent me away.

Their absence had an effect on my paintings. Everything I painted had an aspect of duality to it, light and shadow, color and darkness, joy and pain.

It made sense - I painted with my heart and my heart had experienced the highest of highs and lowest of lows in a very short period of time and those feelings were reflected in my work.

"Wanna go grab lunch?" Violet asked me with concern in her eyes.

"I think I'll just eat at home. I've got some leftovers in the fridge."

That was a lie, I just wasn't hungry and wasn't planning on eating lunch, but didn't want to hear Violet's lectures.

I headed home, watching the dark SUV's tail my cab and rode the elevator up to my apartment. I fiddled with my keys as I stepped off the elevator, completely lost in my own world, but lost my breath at what I saw when I lifted my head.

Dane.

He straightened his posture from where he was leaning against the wall and looked at me with a mixture of excitement and sadness.

Am I dreaming? Did I fall asleep at the gallery?

My keys fell from my hand and I clutched at the center of my chest as every ounce of air rushed from my lungs all at once.

"Hi Kinsley." He said in a sorrowful voice.

He took a step forward, but my body reacted before I could register his movement.

I shuffled backwards staying out of his reach, because as much as I loved him, he hurt me. As much as I loved him, my tired body considered him a threat and retreated in fear and anger.

The sudden movement of my feet as I cowered back in fear caused Dane's eyes to become sad and desperate, but he didn't push the issue. He held his hands up, with his palms out in a surrender pose to show me that he wasn't a physical threat to me.

"Easy baby. I won't come near you if you don't want me to okay?"

"What are you doing here?" I whimpered, feeling every emotion imaginable.

Dane swallowed hard and visibly restrained himself from advancing toward me.

"I fucked up Kinsley."

I know you did and I'm not sure I can forgive you for it yet.

I stared at him with tears in my eyes, waiting for him to continue. I needed more explanation and needed to hear his deep voice again.

"I should have never agreed to send you away baby. I thought...I thought I was doing what was best for you. I thought that your safety was more important than your happiness. I'm so sorry Kins. I fucked up so bad."

Agreed? So it was Tyson's idea? I guess that's why he's not here.

"You hurt me." I said softly as my voice cracked.

"I know. And I hate myself for it. Please let me come inside so we can talk, Kins." 

Part of me wanted that more than anything in the whole world. I wanted to jump into his arms and kiss him from head to toe. I wanted to cuddle in his lap and let him hold me for the rest of my life, but I couldn't. I loved him, but I was so angry at him. He had abandoned me and went against everything we'd ever agreed on in our relationship.

"I think you should leave." I said quietly in a voice barely over a whisper.

Dane visibly deflated and his shoulders sunk at my words.

"What?" He asked sadly.

"I...I think you should leave, Dane." I repeated a little louder.

"You won't even let me come in so we can talk about this?" He asked in slight disbelief.

I don't owe you anything Dane. You did this. You made these choices. Not me. And those awful feelings don't go away just because you say so.

"You didn't talk about your decisions with me. You didn't discuss any of this with me. Consent, trust and communication right?" I said with a little bite in my voice that made Dane rub at the center of his chest as if I'd delivered a physical blow to his body.

"I deserved that." He admitted.

"I'll give you space Kins, but I want you to know that I'm not leaving. I'll be back tomorrow and the next day and the next day until you're ready to talk to me."

All I could produce was a nod as he approached me slowly, pointing at the elevator, indicating he needed to pass me in order to leave.

"Can I at least hug you Kins? I've missed you so damn much." He said once he got closer.

"I don't think that's a good idea." I said meekly as I reached my door.

His shoulders slumped further in defeat as he nodded and accepted my refusal of physical contact.

"I know you're not ready to hear it right now, but I'm sorry Kinsley. I'm sorry and I love you...so damn much." 

Turning my key in the lock, I pushed the door open and looked over at Dane.

"You have a funny way of showing how much you love me. And it's going to take more than a few apologies in a hallway to fix this, Dane." I snapped.

"I'll do whatever it takes...I love you." He said before the chime of the elevator sounded, making me jump.

I rushed into my apartment and slammed the door, leaning against the hard surface and sliding down until I was sitting on the floor with my head in my hands.

"I love you too." I whimpered quietly as tears rolled down my cheeks.

*****

I have been feeling like crap the pas few days and got a little behind in my writing. Thanks for being patient with me! Love you!